"Class of 86" - Brad Jones' Masturbatorial Book Debut

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 13: Killer Party
Or I Applaud at the End
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

Flashback to 1982, when Vic met Laura. Uh, he just sits next to her in study hall.

“And your name is?” Diana cut him off. “Might as well cut right to it.”
“Vic.”
“How very greaser,” she joked, not expecting that to be his name.
“What were you expecting?” he laughed.
“I don’t know. Chuck, Chaz, Charles, Bruce, Bryce, Brace.”

Are these supposed to be jokes?

Psycho and Bryce join them.

“Holy shit,” said Vic, noticing the coincidence of his name.
“It’s fate.”
“Don’t be weird,” Diana laughed.

Oh. This was the pay off to the set up with the names. Fucking hell.
Flashback over. Pointless, unfunny, and wasted my time.

Present Time. AA10.
The boom box was set up on the cafeteria bar table, playing some music,

Some music? SOME MUSIC?!
Are you getting sick of this book, Brad? Every time music has been mentioned before you had a specific title in mind.

Sigh. They play act like this is a real 10 Year reunion and they're seeing each other for the first time in years. No interesting dialog, so moving on. Except Psycho...

"Okay, fine," she sighed. "Hi Bryce. I'm a hooker now." She extended her hand for him to shake, which he obliged.
"Hmm, intriguing. Does it come with benefits?
"Free STD test every week," she said, taking a drink.

Kurt brings out a steaming pot of beans.

"They are rich in barbeque flavor and also vodka. Lots and lots of vodka.

Brad, you forgot to close quotes there.

"Lady, you can't cut in line," Kurt wiped his hands off with a towel. "You'll have to wait just like everyone else to get your beans."
"Yeah, well, what if I take you in the kitchen and suck your dick?"
That blunt response immediately caused Kurt to laugh and nearly break character. "I can't believe how much things haven't changed in the past ten years.”

Laura makes a toast.

Lilith slammed her glass onto the bar, and immediately turned up the radio before standing right on top of the bar. "Shout" by Tears for Fears was just starting to play.

That's better.

"Our queen is about to strip!" shouted Kurt. Lilith thrusted her shoulders forward and moved her hips from side to side, dancing along with the music. She closed her eyes, fully absorbed by the music, and began walking and moving seductively all along the bar, as if she were on a walkway at a strip club. It didn't take long for her to unzip her spandex suit, and slowly pull it all the way down to her ankles, leaving her completely naked and still dancing, albeit slightly drunkenly, to Tears for Fears.

Laura and Vic fuck off to go fuck. But instead, they sort of explore the school reliving memories. First study hall and the table where they met in the opening flashback. Then off to the chemistry lab, and to the closet where the chemicals burned the poor ole Nerd.

Diana then noticed something that piqued her curiosity. "That's new though." There was a large crack in the very corner of the wall that made the two parts of the wall look like they weren't even connected. She walked up closer to it to put her hand on it, and pushing. It moved. It was actually a door, leading to a dark staircase.

Just had a thought, if this were a slasher story, the slashing should have started long before now. According to my Kindle, we're 75% done. I guess there's time, but damn it's going to be rushed.

They go down, but finally take their guns out at the ready.

They reached the very bottom. The basement room was a normal size, with a table in the middle, and curtains draped over all of the walls. The room wasn't as intriguing or as eventful as they thought it would be.
"I think it just is a bomb shelter. Maybe just one left over from the 1950s," said Vic.

...There still has to be a reason that no one else is in this school. This whole building is the perfect place to live and hide."
"I think there’s a reason," Vic said, flirtatiously as he quickly spun Diana around until their chests met, and then he lifted her up onto the table. "We were meant to have sex right in our high school.

They kiss. HARD. Vic lays her across the table and she grabs the curtains behind her. They fall revealing a hidden room. I didn't skip any raunchy sex stuff, guys. There wasn't any. Just what I wrote but with a thousand extra words.

Vic was still kissing her stomach and hadn't noticed anything. Diana, ignoring Vic's kissing, grabbed the flashlight and shone it toward the other room. Right away she spotted things that made her go from confused, to concerned, to scared.

the flashlight on the secret room revealed photos of her from high school taped to the wall, along with the picture of her that Fletcher Van Patten had taken in his own basement. There was a cot in the room as well, plus Fletcher's ventriloquist dummy, and the mannequin that had a picture of Diana taped to it. Even though Diana hadn't seen some of these items before, it was the picture of her from Fletcher's basement that made her know exactly whose room it was.

WHO, could it be?!
This shit is so fucking predictable, everyone saw thi-

Suddenly an arrow from a crossbow shot from an unknown part of the room. The arrow went directly through the side of Diana's head. Still with the same look of shock on her face, Diana fell to her side, off of the table and onto the ground, dead in an instant.

…
…
….
Shit.
….
…
...
*slow applause to Brad
Ok. All right. You got me. Didn't see that coming.

From the other side of the curtain, still on the wall facing Vic, another arrow shot directly through the curtain, hitting Vic directly in the crotch. Vic screamed in pain, falling to his knees, and firing his weapon into the ceiling. Now he was no longer firing to try to hit whatever had shot him, he was firing to scream and cover up the pain, which was strong enough that he soon passed out on the ground.

End of chapter.
Damn.

[Liar Revealed]

I think it would have been better if the war had broken out right during their graduation. Maybe huge explosions interrupting the whole thing. Them never actually getting to graduate would give the characters more reason to be stuck in a high school mentality.
Still, with all that fucking, pregnancies would happen and they would have been forced to grow up.

[RedLine]

Killing the "main girl" first and 75% of the way through is fine but she was the only one with any connection to the Nerdster. So he'll need to be creative in how the rest of the crew gets picked off. Also dying this early makes me think again that we are going to get some Laura clones.

[pibbs]

Killing the "main girl" first and 75% of the way through is fine but she was the only one with any connection to the Nerdster. So he'll need to be creative in how the rest of the crew gets picked off. Also dying this early makes me think again that we are going to get some Laura clones.

Wait until the next fucking chapter.

Holy hell!

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 14: Bad Dreams
Or It Gets Weird
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

We open with a flashback.
The day the nukes flew. Both of them. Nerd wakes from his coma.

The year is 1AA, shortly after the bombs went off. The bombs weren’t enough to wake Fletcher up from the coma, but suddenly, out of nowhere, he sat up in his hospital bed. The power was all out in the room, and in the whole building, and the sounds of screaming and fighting echoed in the halls.

Bombs? Plural? Know what? I'm not even going to bother.

Screaming and fighting echoed the halls. Nerd is pain and starts ingesting pain pills he finds on the floor. How did he know they were pain pills? Don't know.

He lurches down the hall but has to hide as two gangs are gunfighting and looting meds. Small random fires are spread throughout.

One of the scavengers, running from gunfire, made his way toward the gurney where Fletcher was hiding. The man was shot in the back and dropped dead right in front of Fletcher. He was, however, carrying a crossbow, which Fletcher quickly grabbed in case he needed a weapon.
“Does anybody have any fucking fresh bandages? I’m burning up over here!” Fletcher screamed, still hiding.
Hearing Fletcher’s agonized voice, one of the scavengers risked his life to stop and look in his bag. “Yeah, I think I might actually,”

Holy shit. Action! Nerd scampers to the dead man taking the bandages and gun. He then dodges his way through the chaos.

...running remarkably well for someone just out of a coma, Fletcher somehow made his way outside of the hospital. It was a miracle.

Or plot convenience.

More violence was rampaging through the streets outside, whether it was from gangs exchanging gunfire or car chases, but Fletcher still stopped to look around at his surroundings. This small downtown was a war zone. Every other building was either completely or partially on fire. Fletcher adapted immediately, quickly accepting the situation and looking for some advantage. He noticed a truck crashed into a dumpster in the alley. He made his way to the truck and opened the door. There was a dead body behind the steering wheel, but this meant the keys were still in the ignition. Fletcher pulled the body from the car with a snarl of exertion and got in himself to speed away.

All of a sudden this reads like a real book. Stuff is happening.
He drives home, and finds his mom dead with an unlit cigarette in her mouth. He cries for this piece of shit until the tears makes his bandaged skin hurt. Don't ask; I don't know.
He goes into his basement for supplies, those being chemicals, and his dolls. blankface.emoji
The pills kick in and he rushes to the gun shop, and it's empty just like he thought it would be. Then why did... fuck it.

Fletcher went to the back of the store where a door led to a back entrance for employees. With his gun ready, he opened the door. Outside the back entrance there were three men loading weapons into a van. They also had two kidnapped girls in the back of the van, tied up and gagged.

Anybody else all of a sudden routing for Fletcher? Maybe the first two-third of the book was a set up just for our real hero here.

The looters are hurrying so they can meet up with their people at the school. Nerd kills the three men. He takes the guns, and the van. He unties the girls and gives them a gun each. He then orders them the fuck out of the van.

Nerd, no, Hero, thinks going to the school was a good idea. The school itself looked deserted. Speaking of, the nukes have fallen, when do the sand dunes come sweeping in to cover everything?

There were still small fires spread throughout, much like the hospital. Blood was smeared all over the floor, where there wasn't blood, there were piles of garbage.

He runs into a group of jocks carrying javelins and declare, “No Intruders!” Cheerleaders approach from Hero's rear flank with knives. No word if they are switchblades. Turns out, none of them were concerned about Hero, as the two groups charge each other. Hero ducks into a sairwell leading down to the basement.

He removes a piece of bandage and a splotch of flesh falls to the ground. It starts to crawl away!
YES!!! YES! About fucking time, Brad! Oh, I do hope this shit is about to get really weird.

Hero scoops up the flesh in a petrie dish. At nightfall he sneaks back upstairs with crossbow and follows conversation to find the cheerleaders and jocks at peace and drinking in the cafeteria. Hero sneaks past to the chemistry lab.

He's trying to figure out the chemicals they had switched out that caused his burns. From the lab closet he hears noise in the classroom. A jock with a meat cleaver.

What are you?... Some kind of mutant man?

The jock raises his cleaver and declares

This place is ours now. We're going to repopulate the world, man. We've got not place for your inferior seed.

No. They've got not place for Hero.

The jock charges Hero, and defensively he holds up his hands, which fuse into the jock's face. He fuses more and more until he crushes dude's skull.

Bits of fleshfrom Fletcher's hands begin to crawl away...

Another jock rushes in, but Hero 360 no-scopes him with the crossbow right in the head. With no one else coming, Hero decides to experiment with his flesh.

Um... I just read the next paragraph. Goddam, Brad.
Hero Brad takes the bandages off his waist, and jerks off although it causes him great pain, and collects the sperm in a flask. He takes the dead jocks mask and letterman jacket and walks past the drunken cheerleaders and other jocks. They had been drinking from a punch bowl so Brad pours his semen into it. Eventually they all drank from the sperm bowl.

One of the jocks stops him to make him stand guard. They're expecting survivors to show up and have a plan for them. After awhile, and copious portions of sperm, they develop stomach pains. One by one their stomachs explode, and guts go everywhere. They dead. No zombies or mutants here.

Brad concludes he has superior cells and wants to continue experimenting. But first, he grabs a broom and starts cleaning up.

Back to the present.

The surviving Scooby-Doos never heard the gunshot as the music is too loud and they are half passed out. Lillith is lounging on the bar still naked.

Kurt, while still listening to Lilith was admittedly mesmerized by his beans. “It's like the alcohol is making me want to have sex, but the beans are telling me it is going to be very messy and very unsexy.”

Fuck, this is a long chapter. I have to take a break.

Back, and I have Rum!

Vic makes it upstairs but he's fading. He calls for help, and that triggers a man dressed head to toe in black, including a specialty ski mask with sewn in dark lenses, to jump out of a locker and attack poor Vic. He sinks a cleaver into Vic's brain. The blow causes Vic to fire a round into the lockers. That gets the others attention.

Lilith gets her clothes on, er'body else gets guns out and the charge into the hallway. All is quiet with only security lighting. Lilith, go flip a lightswitch like you did before. They finally notice a security camera pointing right at them.

They find a pool of Vic's blood, but no vic. A blood trail leads to a locker, and his body falls out as they open it. Meanwhile in the basement, the killer is arranging Laura's body at the cozy little table for two. He tells the corpse about a dream he had about her. She's just walking in red sneakers in the desert listening to cassette tapes. Yeah, cassette tapes.

He continues chatting with her. Padding mostly.

But he admits he heard her in the hospital and knows she never wanted him hurt. So why kill her, asshole?

He proposes, but is interrupted by sounds from above - the opening and closing of lockers. Sprinting upstairs the hall is littered with the content of a hundred lockers. He makes his way to a noise in one of the bathrooms. No one there.
Surprise. Mother fucker! Kurt was hiding in the trash can. Kurt unloads a shotgun blast into Brad's back making a nice hole in dude's chest.

They unmask him and are horrified at his face. They backtrack to the lab and find the hidden door. They find Laura and cover her body. They sad.

Lexi looks around at all the photos of Laura and some of Brad. It was him all along!

”Who the fuck is Fletcher Van Patten?

Kurt asked.

Lexi runs out crying, and Bryce goes after her. Kurt and Lilith remain below. Psycho and Cuck run to the auto shop, and Lexi regrets being mean to her.

Lexi sad and wants to forget, so they crawl into a car in the shop and fuck.

End of chapter.

[Dehbashi]

I am surprised that he killed Diana that early on.

My guess is that Psycho Lexi is the only one who is going to survive.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

But not before getting her bodysuit torn in a tasteful manner.

Also how do you kill 3 guys with firearms at arm's reach with a crossbow?

Just had a thought, if this were a slasher story, the slashing should have started long before now. According to my Kindle, we're 75% done. I guess there's time, but damn it's going to be rushed.

Setting up a slasher romp doesn't appear to be his strong suit.

[Complicity]

Whoa, Ryan Jones totally subverted my ass by killing Laura first.

Killing the "main girl" first and 75% of the way through is fine

As long as you are willing to ignore that 75% of the book was pointless, poorly written filler that lead nowhere.

Bombs? Plural? Know what? I'm not even going to bother.

The nuke that dropped on Moscow was so noisy that Americans could hear it.

Also dying this early makes me think again that we are going to get some Laura clones.

There MUST be a reason why the book mentioned something as absurd and impracticable as cloning tech.

“Does anybody have any fucking fresh bandages? I’m burning up over here!” Fletcher screamed, still hiding.
Hearing Fletcher’s agonized voice, one of the scavengers risked his life to stop and look in his bag. “Yeah, I think I might actually,”

[/quote]

Those AuntQueefa looters sure are nice.

Anybody else all of a sudden routing for Fletcher? Maybe the first two-third of the book was a set up just for our real hero here.

The looters are hurrying so they can meet up with their people at the school. Nerd kills the three men. He takes the guns, and the van. He unties the girls and gives them a gun each. He then orders them the fuck out of the van.

Biden turned out to be quite the... Avenger.

The jock charges Hero, and defensively he holds up his hands, which fuse into the jock's face. He fuses more and more until he crushes dude's skull.

A...Noxious Avenger.

What are you?... Some kind of mutant man?

The jock raises his cleaver and declares

This place is ours now. We're going to repopulate the world, man. We've got not place for your inferior seed.

Yeah Brad, throw some Black Future in there for good measure.

that triggers a man dressed head to toe in black, including a specialty ski mask with sewn in dark lenses, to jump out of a locker and attack poor Vic.

Ron Soye in his gimp outfit.

So what now?
Biden's dead for good and the survivors go on with their dumb adventure?
I doubt it.

[Complicity]

Fuck, i wanted to edit my post and instead i quoted myself.
Delete it pls.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Done, M'Lord.