"Class of 86" - Brad Jones' Masturbatorial Book Debut

[Dehbashi]

If Brad were clever, the town would have been near the only nuke explosion and if the Scooby-Doos had just paid attention to the news, or taken the initiative to drive out of town to explore, then they would have found the rest of America was normal. Also it would explain why everyone has so many supplies. The army and Red Cross are air-dropping supplies, but these idiots are too self-absorbed to have wondered where it was coming from.

I agree. This would be great especially with the setup of the first few chapters of them not paying attention to the news running on TVs and such. Already with how they acted with Fletcher would show how self absorbed the cast is.

[Dehbashi]

Slaughter High 1986! That's the fucking movie this reminded me of earlier. Similar plot. Nerd lured by hottie, shit goes wrong and nerd is burned by acid. Years later he lures them back to the school and starts killing them off one by one. So... is that the plot of this book? Except with a nuclear war throw in the middle? Fucking hell, Brad. Not a single creative bone in your body. No wonder the story was holding together, but the tone is all over the fucking place. This is just a copy of someone else's movie with Bradisms inserted every fucking where.

Ok. Brad has got to be trolling us. He just released a review on Slaughter High 5 minutes ago.

[pibbs]

Ok. Brad has got to be trolling us. He just released a review on Slaughter High 5 minutes ago.

LOL he starts it by reading from his book.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

This was all an advertisment for the episode!

[pibbs]

This was all an advertisment for the episode!

Brad is on a level we can't understand.

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Part III – Class Reunion
Chapter 12: Class Retrun to Horror High
Or Stupid is These People
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

Flashback to 1982. Bryce as a Freshman. First time on the bus he passes by all the cliques to the back of the bus to sit next to someone who, like he, is also wearing a black hoodie with a black backpack. It's Psycho Lexi.

Lexi was always a classy broad.

“We may be in for a long four years. They’re going to be the jocks, and we’re going to get into this bus with it smelling like gym crotch every day,” she said.

Psycho convinces Cuck Bryce to skip school with her on their first day.

“Where are you two going?” asked the driver. “We forgot our peanut butter and jelly,” Lexi answered. “Don’t worry, we’ll get to school just in time to see the guys shower after practice.”

With writing like this, Brad too can win a Mashable.

She gets Cuck to call the school for her, but he doesn't even know her name, but neither does her drunk dad half the time.

“Don’t look so sad; he’s a fun drunk, so it’s fine. My name’s Lexi Graves.”

Of course it is.

“Are you…feeling okay?” asked Bryce, concerned about the impulsive behavior.
“I’m sick, remember?” she punched him in the shoulder, the first time of many to come. “Now don’t make me hit you again.”

But what to do now? To the game store! I... don't think these were a thing in '86 but I'm not too sure. The hobby stores sold the DnD shit, but there wasn't a Game Stop. I don't know. But guess what game she buys.

“What’s new Ralph?” she asked. Bryce was busy looking around the store, as it was his first time in the place.
“Donkey Kong, Coleco,” Ralph answered.

Did you guess Donkey Kong? WRONG!!!

“No, no,” she shook her head. “What’s new behind the counter?” Without missing a beat, Ralph pulled up the latest Atari porno game, which he kept hidden. He placed a new game on the table. “Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em,” he said, pointing at the title. “Is that an offer?” she joked.
“Yes, it's the perfect combination of your come computer system and your dirty magazines.”

I can hear Brad masturbating as he writes this. Was "your come computer system" a typo for "home" or was it a failed pun on the word "cum"? That's not even pronounced the same. And no it's not like a dirty magazine. Screen shot of the game.

“So, what’s "Beat Em and Eat Em?” Lexi asked.
“You like Kaboom?”
“Sure,” she said, unconvincingly.
“It’s that, but with naked chicks and guy jerking off on the roof.”
“Oh my God,” said Bryce, shocked.
“Get him Donkey Kong,” she said to Ralph. “He’s not ready for this one.”

Double fooled you! Donkey Kong it is.

I guess this explains why Cuck Bryce kept playing that shitty game in 86? It was a special moment? But I don't care how nostalgic it is, that game is miserable to play. I had it as a kid and I was super disappointed how terrible of a port it was. Blotchy graphics with few colors, only two levels, and it sounded horrible. Look at this mess:

Turns out Nintendo licensed DK to Coleco who then made all ports of it inferior to their version for the ColecoVision console. A review and learning, that's the pibbs way!

Yup! As we all guessed, the Scoobys drive to their old high school. Kurt thought he would never see this place again. Why not? It's a small town. You should be seeing it a lot, that is if they were actually scavenging for anything.

Lexi turned to Bryce to ask a question that had been on her mind since he had suggested going back.
"What made you think of coming here?"
"I drive by it a time or two. The barricades are always there, and it looks like no one ever tried to get in. It's haunting."

But these people always stick together why wouldn't Kurt... fuck it. I don't care. They plan to drive the van straight through a barrier of garbage and wood blocking the entrance to the school. There's a discussion if it would total the van, but hey, if it happens it happens, right? But they could use the shop class to repair it, because that's not stupid at all. I guess the needed body panels and smashed headlights and windshield will come from the same place as all their other supplies.

But they smash through the barrier of garbage with not even a scratch on the paint. The entrance and windows are all boarded up. Why? Did the school do that before the nukes fell? Who would give a shit? How would that help?

They tarp the van, and grab guns and the boom box. They needs theys tunes. Kurt crowbars the doors open just as the first drops of acid rain fall.

Brad then teases a more interesting story.

Once inside, Bryce shined a flashlight all around the front hall to see if they could spot anything. "I don't even want to think about what's in here," he said. Even with the flashlight, it was still too dark for them to notice anything about the inside of the school..
"Giant rats?" asked Lilith.
"No. Rat People," laughed Kurt.
"Big fucking mutants ready to feast on intruders."

Psycho Lexi flips on the hallway lights. I'll say that again, she flips on the lights. Apparently the town still has employees at the power station and crews fixing power lines from the acid rain.
The lights reveal a suspiciously clean school. Everything is polished and shiny. The Scoobys fail to notice security cameras turning as they moved through the hallways.

As they continued to walk down the hall, Diana noticed one of the display cases against the wall. "Guys, look at this," she walked toward it.
The group stared at the case, which was all dedicated to the Class of ’86, complete with their whole class photo, and also a time, date, and location for the graduation ceremony. "It's our class," said Diana.
"We really were the final class, weren't we?" said Lexi.
"Do you think these people are still alive somewhere?" asked Diana, looking at the others in the group photo.
"Who cares?" shrugged Kurt. They didn't even bother to show up to this festive reunion we have going on."

Laura then has an epiphany, and its stupid.

"We were all sad about getting old, and that ten years had gone by, and our class reunion was coming up, and, oh no, we have nothing to show for it," Diana mock whined. "Well, now we do.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yeah, this is just where I wanted to be in ten years. Back at school."
"Shut up," Lilith shoved Kurt.
"I think I know what Diana is getting to. "We can have our reunion. Look at this place," she extended her arms. "Someone is keeping it in great shape."

But wait, it gets dumber.

It's like the bombs never dropped. It's in the exact same condition as when we left. We can check the kitchen for food; we can go to the art class to find some banners, and we can hang them in the cafeteria.

I had to pause for a moment and ponder, is Brad just painfully not clever (like trying too hard) or is he this terrible at story logic? Maybe both?

Anyway, they get detoured to the teacher's lounge where there's a sofa, TV and a chilled bottle of vodka in the fridge. Any normal people would have guns out, loaded and ready, and moving in formations. But these geniuses...

Lilith also got an idea. "We can all act like we haven't seen each other in ten years!"
"I'm sorry, is this some kind of sexual role-playing thing you two are doing?" asked Bryce sincerely.
"That's what I'm wondering," said Lexi. "Still, let’s go check the art class."

They find party supplies from a '76 class reunion, so they just paint the 7 into an 8 and set up. They make it to the kitchen and are disappointed to only find cans of beans, instead of, you know, thrilled to find food in the wasteland that isn't an acid washed rat.

"Happy class reunion," said Diana as they all cheered, and then together they all shouted, "Happy Class Reunion!"

These are stupidest people to have ever lived. You could cast former Channel Awesome, Change the Channelites to play the parts in the movie adaption. It is their 10th anniversary after all!!!
That might be the cleverest thing I've ever said on DHI.

End of chapter.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Oh, so now he flipping back and forth between past and present. Seems like a pretty pointless flashback. Is he padding this out or something?
And why is the school abandoned? Shouldn't it have been turned into an auxiliary hospital after the bomb(s) dropped? To then slowly morph into basically an apartment complex? It has lots of rooms, a large kitchen and other amenities.

[Complicity]

Aaaand it's Slaughter High + Rats.
Considering that Brad is arguably the smartest guy at CA, Erod's novel will be "DoOkIe gOeS InTo PoTtY!", written in crayon on a piece of used toilet paper.

The entrance and windows are all boarded up. Why?

Because it's the Nerd's lair. Like in Slaughter High.
He's watching them with the security cameras.
And the windows/doors of the abandoned school in Slaughter High were barred too.

“No, no,” she shook her head. “What’s new behind the counter?” Without missing a beat, Ralph pulled up the latest Atari porno game, which he kept hidden. He placed a new game on the table. “Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em,” he said, pointing at the title. “Is that an offer?” she joked.
“Yes, it's the perfect combination of your come computer system and your dirty magazines.”

Of course leftist beta cuck Brad would reference Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em, and not Custer's Revenge.
I'm willing to bet good money that no woman in the 80s ever expressed interest, let alone bought one of those shitty Atari porn games.

"Giant rats?" asked Lilith.
"No. Rat People," laughed Kurt.

What a clever and unexpected reference!

Ok, now Nerd is going to kill them one by one, Laura will be left alone to be killed last, and unlike the bitch in Slaughter High she will outsmart Nerd and kill him because female empowerment.
THE END.
Fuck this trash.

[Dehbashi]

He must have gotten Beat em and Eat Em from AVGN's Atari Porn video. You probably have to find it on Cinemassacre's site since they never put it on YouTube.

[Ghost Dog]

Brad already referenced Custer's Revenge in his movie Game Boys with the characters throwing a party to see who could get the highest score so he had to pick another Atari Porn game for his book.