"Class of 86" - Brad Jones' Masturbatorial Book Debut

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

My point is Brad is getting too much wrong. Rant over.

I expected nothing less from a CA book.

[Kugelfisch]

>McDLT
So it's basically a Royal TS?

[RedLine]

Is the Laura mannequin some sort of 80s Real Doll that nerdlinger fabricated or is he fucking a rigid, wooden mannequin from Kmart?

[Kugelfisch]

I don't think silicone sex dolls were around back then. But he got so much shit wrong for the setting, so who knows.

[ebin namefag]

At least Brad gets McDonalds right, I guess.

Brad is a goyslop connoisseur.

[Kugelfisch]

At least Brad gets McDonalds right, I guess.

Brad is a goyslop connoisseur.

I bet he couldn't finish a Happy Meal, let alone a "reasonably-sized meal for an adult".

[Dehbashi]

I could defend playing Atari to a degree but yeah not using cassettes instead of record playersis a mistake

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 5: Hammer to Fall
Or as I call it: A Lot of Whining
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

Their paper gets an F.
They be mad.
High on coke at Kurt's house, Lilith and Kurt plan revenge on Nerd.
Then they fuck.

End of chapter.

I get mad at the next chapter.

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 6: Burning Heart
or Brad Tries Plagarism in the Name of Homage
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

Graduation day!

The fools somehow made it. Laura is at the mall picking out a dress with her mom.

Outside of the store though, the mall was still crowded, as people walked very fast carrying various supplies, such as water jugs and tools, as if they were preparing to hide out in a cellar for a number of given months.

Now that I think about it, this slow burn to reveal real world events kind of works.

"Okay, so, this was easy enough. You are our first customer of the day."
"Really?" asked Diana's mom, as she took a second glance at the crowd. "It seems kind of crowded out there."
"Yeah, no one's buying dresses or tuxes. Go figure," said the sarcastic employee.
All of this went completely unnoticed by Diana who was still fixated on her and Lexi's earlier conversation.

This level of self-absorbtion brings up a familiar feeling of abject hatred; this reminds me of someone... Fucking PUR!

Kurt and Vic walked quickly to the food court, dodging past people who seemed have taken shopping carts from other stores to fill their carts with food from Osco Drug, as well as any other home supplies.

While everyone else is stocking up on prepper shit...

Kurt, who moved his head in closer to Vic and Bryce so that no one else in the mall could hear what he was going to say. "This is about Fletcher. I've come up with a very subtle way to get back at him.

While Lilith is onboard, what will Laura do?

"Wait, hang on," Vic interjected. "I assure you Diana is very upset about this situation too. She was rough as fuck in bed last night. Her dad thought that she secretly bought a dog and was punishing it for pissing on her books. That's how weird my sex noises got, and she was really scary; I hadn't seen her that mad before."

I've given up trying to quote all the sex stuff. This is the 3rd in this chapter alone. Just before this Lilith declares she will be naked under her graduation gown. Shrugs.

So, what's the big plan? Kurt is going to switch the chemicals that Nerd takes home from the school.

"Exactly," Kurt said, pointing at Bryce. "We'll give him a big bang he won't forget."
"Wait," Vic still had some concerns. "You're saying big bang as if it's going to tear him to pieces, I don't want to go directly from graduation to prison."
"If he's blown up, he still won't say a word if he knows what's good for him," threatened Kurt.

Dammit, this seems familiar too. Some movie.

Then Lilith becomes a mother fucking villain.

Lilith, noting that it would still take a little bit more convincing for Vic, leaned in to drive the point home even further. "It's just going to fuck him up for the rest of his life. He'll enter the science fair, tell them that he's cured dementia or something, then, sure, maybe he'll just turn in orange pulp, that newfound invention you just thought up," she ended the sentence sarcastically. "He’s doomed to fail. He'll be the laughingstock of the science world, and he'll continue living in mommy's basement for eternity."

Damn, bitch! It was just one paper! You graduating aren't you? Your white trash ass ain't going to college. It's stripper clubs for 5 years, then shacking up with an alcoholic and neglecting your three kids in your future. Get some perspective.

I just realized I'm reacting to the narrative, the story, the characters, and not piss poor writing like I did with Lindsey. Ok, Brad. It took me a minute, but I'm getting into this fucking nutty story you have brewing. You're not a great writer, but this schlock is making up for it.

Laura walks past the food court and the others and goes to the empty arcade where Nerd is playing Donkey Kong.

"Wow, it is better than the one Lexi has at home," she said referring to her Atari version.

"Did you know you were feeding me bullshit?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "I just made it all up."
"To hurt me?" she didn't sound mad, just wanting to get to the truth.
"No. I always make things up. Part of discovering things is to throw things at the wall and see if it sticks. You know, like Play-Doh."
"I'm sorry?" she asked, confused by his statement.
"Seriously. Play-Doh was discovered by accident. It was a cleaning product made for cleaning wallpaper. Oh, and Super Glue was made by accident too. Maybe I should have used that for my sticky analogy."

Good to know.

Diana laughed, already signaling that she was in a mood to forgive Fletcher, as she had begun to find him endearing."So, after graduation, I should be expecting to hear about you in ten years, when you'll have successfully figured out cloning?"

That's a fucking turn.

"I think it's nice that you think we're going to be around in ten years," said Fletcher as he noticed the people outside the arcade still walking frantically through the mall to get their survival items.
"Of course we are," she put her hand on his shoulder, still oblivious to the world around her.

Ok, Brad, let's get this show on the road. There's slow burns, and then there's padding.

Later that night, the Revengers use stolen janitor's keys (happened off page) to get into the chemistry closet. Although having the keys, they break a window to get into the school itself. Dumb.

They find a box with Nerd's name on it and switch out similar colored chemicals. I thought they were graduating? Would Nerd still come by? I guess, fuck it.

Spoke too soon. The Revengers jump out a window as the Nerd himself enters the lab. Nerd notices the broken window, and decides this would be easier to use than walking down the hallways. Stupid.

At home:

Once home, Fletcher made his way to his basement lair, walked to his secret room, and placed his briefcase on the table. He put on his goggles and white lab coat, took out the red flask from his case and was about to pour it into one of the vials on his chemistry set until mom called to him from upstairs. "Fletcher, I made fucking fish sticks!" she shouted.
"I told you, Mom," he yelled back, "I need privacy for the next few hours. The science fair needs me. My clones need me."
"I made dipping sauces. I mixed together mustard and mayonnaise," she yelled back. "You're not the only one in the house who can mix things together and become a fucking genius."
"I'll heat up the food later, Mom," Fletcher called back to her.”

That dipping sauce sounds like another Mormon thing.

BTW want to know what he's trying to invent? Not cloning tech, but something to fund that:

"Okay Diana," he said. "It's all going to work. Once I invent a soda with pulp, we will win the science fair and have enough money to fund our real experiment that will change the world. I have studied the ingredients on the Coke can. I have studied oranges. All it takes is a little extra dose of sodium phosphate, and we'll be left with a much more unique taste, similar to what makes both Coke and oranges taste so great in the morning. This will cut breakfast time in half. When the soda tastes good, we'll just add in some random pulp. It's a scientific miracle."

Coke with pulp? Brad joke. Anyway, the chemicals boil over and smoke fills the room.

"Something is wrong," he said frantically. "No one is going to drink this!"

Dammit, Bradley! Too much of this silly shit is making this annoying. What is the tone here? We're being flung from tension to silliness, to soft core porn. Pick a fucking lane!

The room now began to shake, and all of his flasks began to fly around the room as if an invisible person was throwing them at him.

In a mad dash, Fletcher ran towards the doll and grabbed her from the chair. Not even a second afterwards, the boiling pot topped over, creating a gigantic fireball that hurled itself right towards Fletcher. He tried to shield the doll with his own body. The doll dropped to the floor with only minor burns, but Fletcher was now fully engulfed in flames.

Slaughter High 1986! That's the fucking movie this reminded me of earlier. Similar plot. Nerd lured by hottie, shit goes wrong and nerd is burned by acid. Years later he lures them back to the school and starts killing them off one by one. So... is that the plot of this book? Except with a nuclear war throw in the middle? Fucking hell, Brad. Not a single creative bone in your body. No wonder the story was holding together, but the tone is all over the fucking place. This is just a copy of someone else's movie with Bradisms inserted every fucking where.

The mother investigates the commotion.

She saw her son, screaming, flesh melting off his bones, and in desperate need for help. She knew it was going to be another night that he missed dinner.

Oh, fuck you Brad, you fucking hack. Everything good I said about you I retract.

End of chapter.

[RedLine]

This book is even weirder than I expected.
But has about as much teenager sex in it as I expected.