The Angel Armor Saga by Lewis "The Lightbringer" Lovhaug

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

He sees other characters as inferior if they are women or female-presenting. Which also explains his choice of partners.

Even in his power fantasies, he prefers to go after women, for they are weaker and less intimidating.
And the only other main male character is this thief, who for the most part is just a clone of Linkara, except during arguments where he quickly loses his spine and shuts up (much like young Linkara IRL I presume).

Shades of that famous Linkara movie rant where he yells at Channel Awesome producers for not having endured fictional torment

Which is why I affectionately call these temper tantrums "Face of an ANGRY GOD" scenes/moments.
It is a testament to his "growth" as a writer that he considered these cringe manchild outbursts to be the perfect basis for his primary Oscar bait scene (the secondary being his Frank Sinatra clone character rambling about God).

[BenComicGraphics]

It reeks of what I hate of what Dr Who became. The whole "I'm the Doctor, look me up" with all the bluster and fanfare of using reputation and clout alone instead of cleverness, wit, and trickery.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I'm just waiting for any "I'm the fucking Linkara; my word is law according to your stupid faith!" scenes. I fucking know they are there.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Book 1, Chapter 12 - Secrets, Bargains, and Lies II
(Or: Teenage Catgirl in Heat)

Just the perfect chapter to finish off the holiday season. Part one of the famous Secrets, Bargains and Lies trilogy, if you don't remember, involved Indow saving Linkara's sorry ass by having forced consent sex with a Dark Knight lady, being forced into swearing that the Darkness owes her a favor, and being forced by Linkara to admit to heir bisexual ways.
I'm sure this being the "sequel" chapter is a good sign.

RecapShow

So last time our IQ-deficient heroes decided the best way to infiltrate the lands of darkness was to march into an active warzone with no regards for stealth.
It did not go well.

So they got their shit kicked in and were about to get killed - except for Linkara, because thanks to the magic of hack writing the Darkness wants him alive so it can convince him to join the Dark Side, instead of just having his throat slit to rid the world of Sin of the one person prophecized to stop its reign of terror (at least afaik; Nobody knows what's actually in the full prophecy).

Thankfully salvation came in the form of an archer lady named White Raven - who I would have described as "mysterious", except her introductory chapter went out of its way to explain everything there is to know about here, and even finished most of her character arc by having Linkara scream one of his trademark temper tantrum as her (effectively "STOP BEING SO DEPRESSED, BITCH!"). Dude really hates it when another character is in danger of being more angsty/cool than him.
So White Raven used to be one of the Darkness' most notorious knights, until she learned to stop slaughtering and start smiling. I wish I was joking.

Speaking of joking: Linkara's new set of magic boots finally let him translate "kiros" as "years" (which I take as the author's realization that those dumb fantasy words or dumb), and he let one of the bad guys live so he could spread the word of his coming, which our dear author probably considered a badass line, but just makes him look like an idiot. Our prophesized savior has yet to prove there is some bite behind is bark. Bootleg Sauron is probably not impressed by a dumb kid and his band of misfits who can't even handle a small scouting/raiding party wihout almost dying.

ChapterShow

"It's cold."

"It's wet."

"And it's dark."

"WE WANT TO SLEEP IN AN INN!"

Those were the four sentences that Louis had been listening to for the past hour as the group continued their journey across the Ai countryside. The ragtag group of heroes had been on the road now heading towards the frontlines for nearly four days now, every night stopping, setting up base camp, then in the morning packing it all up and heading back on the road again. However, to make matters a bit worse it had rained last night, so the group had to wake up in the middle of it all and find a cave to sleep in. They had, but the sudden awakening that they had had was beginning to take its toll.

"How many times do I have to tell you, there's an Inn up the road according to the maps that I got, and we'll stop there when we see it!" Louis shouted to the others.

"Oh, really?! And just when will that-" Lithmenar began.

"Now." Louis interrupted, and pointed up the road to a three-story wooden building up the road.

And with that, the group let out a collective sigh, then cheered in happiness. It took them another minute to finish the distance between them and the Inn, which was named, "Minstrel's Tavern, Inn, and Warrior's Rest." Louis found the last part of the name the most curious, so he asked Indow about it:

"Indow, what does the sign mean by 'Warrior's Rest?'"

Indow bit her lip, then replied, "It's the common term these days for a house of exotic dancers..."

Louis blinked. "Strippers?"

"If that is what you call them in your world, my lord. 'Warrior's Rest' refers to making warriors and soldiers who are weary from battle more comfortable. And so, they hire women, usually prostitutes, to work at these establishments." Indow explained.

"Well, that's certainly not why we're here, but-" Louis said.

Louis had stopped when a thought had passed through his mind. "Um... Lithmenar, I don't suppose you lifted any money off of anyone in Walsz, did you?"

Lithmenar slapped himself in the head. "Argh! I knew I forgot to do something."

In truth, Lithmenar had pick pocketed quite a few people in Walsz, but he was saving some of the items for the proverbial 'rainy day.'

"What's the matter?" Indow asked.

"I forgot to ask the King for some money! Unless you or White Raven have any money, we're not staying at the Inn." Louis stated.

"No, child! I refuse to sleep upon the cursed ground any longer!" Lithmenar shouted.

"Do not worry, thief. I can negotiate a way for us to stay in the Inn." Indow said, getting down off of her horse.

"Do you want us to go with you?" Louis inquired.

Indow shook her head. "No, my lord, do not worry. I shall handle all the arrangements. I am very skilled in the art of diplomacy."

Louis nodded and Indow walked inside of the Inn.

*

"...so, in fact, the French upstaged us!" Louis finished.

It had been ten minutes since Indow had entered the Inn, so the group had gotten off of their horses and just sat and talked with one another while eating fruit. Louis ate something similarly shaped to an apple, but the inside and taste resembled more of an orange. He was also regaling the two with the tale of his visit to France with his Orchestra.

"These 'French' seem quite dishonorable. You had been planning this trip for several years, practicing your music and waiting for that day, and they had probably not even practiced for more than a week! If it had been I, I would've stolen every korin on them!" Lithmenar stated.

"Yeah, but that's because you're a thief. I'm just a nice guy, so I let them get away with it." Louis said.

Louis turned to look at White Raven, who was staring up at the sky. Her lips looked like they were slightly quivering, like she was nervous or cold. "Raven, are you all right?" he asked.

White Raven murmured a response, then turned to Louis. "I'm sorry?"

"Well, besides for 'I'm sorry,' you haven't said two words since the other night when we first met you! You're not going all angsty on us again, are you?" Louis asked.

White Raven shook her head. "I've just been thinking about a lot of things. Don't mind me."

Louis and Lithmenar nodded.

"My lord!"

The group turned their heads to see Indow smiling and walking towards them. They quickly stood up and stretched.

"I've negotiated a means for us to stay at the Inn for the night and the morning. I've even acquired VIP accommodations!" Indow stated.

Louis smiled and clapped his hands in joy. "Nicely done, Indow! How'd you do it?"

"Oh, I just told them who you were, who I was, that sort of thing, my lord." Indow stated.

"Very well. Come along, guys! Relaxation awaits!"

*

Louis stretched out his arms and legs as he moved around in the large room. He hadn't expected such a large room for him, considering the last Inn he had stayed at had been a room no larger than his own bedroom, a meager eleven by eleven foot space. This new Inn room was larger by several feet. Louis briefly wondered if Inns had star ratings on them here. Of course, he figured, considering that the Inn also doubled as a bar and strip club, who knows what sort of rating a place like this would get?

Louis also considered taking off the greaves and gauntlets, but realized that they actually were causing no discomfort whatsoever. As a matter of fact the armor that had been imbued by angels was in fact entirely comfortable and comforting. The metal didn't even seem to be in the least bit heavy.

It had been several hours since the group had arrived at the Inn, and Louis wasn't the only one who was doing some stretching. Lithmenar took one look at the room that they had given him and had practically jumped up and down on the bed like a little kid who got his first springy mattress. The beds were made of extravagant silks and threads instead of the usual furs and animals hides that were common in many Inns.

White Raven, in her own room (a quite meager one in comparison to all the others, per her request), merely sat in the middle of the floor and closed her eyes, entering herself into some odd state of meditation. However, after her thoughts began to go towards her encounter with Louis the other night, something odd began to stir in her. It was as if another presence was within her, because at that moment, a voice cried out to her.

Sleep no more?

White Raven opened her eyes and performed a perfect back flip onto her bed and aimed her bow and arrow at the door. She moved from the left to the right, trying to determine where the voice had come from. She knew that she hadn't imagined the voice, so she remained in the position she was in.

Blood Raven does murder sleep.

White Raven continued moving around. She called out, "Where are you?! Show yourself!"

Uneasy lies the one with white hair.

"Well, I am quite obviously uneasy, so tell me where you are lest my unease turn into rage!"

Thou must murder the Linkara, lest Blood Raven shall murder sleep further.

*

"Well, I guess it's time to hit the sack. Tomorrow brings a new adventure and new Dark Knights to slay!" Louis stated.

Louis then blinked as he looked around. "Jeez, I certainly talk to myself a lot more in this stupid place. I wonder if it's a side effect of the gauntlets... Ah shit, I was talking to myself again."

Louis shook his head silently and was about to take off his clothes to get to sleep when he noticed a shadow move across the light that was coming in from his slightly opened door. He raised an eyebrow in curiosity and tiptoed over to the door, opening it slowly as to not make a sound. He looked out of his door and saw the ends of a white robe turn a corner in the hallway. Recognizing the robe as belonging to a Linkaran priestess, Louis began to wonder if Indow was going somewhere. Letting his curiosity get the better of him, Louis continued to silently follow who he believed to be Indow. He moved from hallway to hallway until he finally lost sight of the person in the robes when they entered a room via a certain knock. When Louis attempted to follow, the door was locked.

Louis looked around and saw that his current location was near the strip club section of the Inn. He chuckled silently, wondering if Indow had signed up to be one of the strippers. He realized that he hadn't had a good laugh or done anything strangely perverse (except, of course, for bringing a mass murderer and a thief into his happy little clique) since he had arrived on Sin. And if Sin was indeed the name of this planet, why doesn't he indulge himself in one of the common peasant pastimes on this dirty-sounding world?

Louis talked himself into it, deciding that he'd spend his viewing time in the back of the club instead of in the front where any Dark Knight or bounty hunter might recognize him. One thing that caught him as odd was that no one attempted to stop him when he entered the club. The working theory that he came up with was that because of the shortened life span most people on this planet, and of women's roles in this society for them, that children might be a frequent occurrence at clubs like these. As he entered, Louis could hear catcalls and clapping. When he completely entered, he saw a half-naked woman leaving the stage to some area in the back.

One thing that Louis was curious about and used as justification for this little adventure of his was the educational value of this. Back on earth, they had electronics and recording devices that could generate music and lights for a strip club, but in a medieval setting like this, there were only actual people to perform music and candles and magic for light. And so, Louis began looking at the bottom of the stage. There was no kind of band or string quartet playing any music, just two relatively young-looking men in purple robes with glowing hands. From their magic, the two generated an array of colorful lights from the ceiling magically, and music just came from nowhere.

A man appeared on the stage from the back wearing a frilled shirt and an elegant vest of purple. The man, although looking slightly distinguished from his colors, looked completely out of place in Louis' eyes for a medieval world. He looked out at the many patrons of the club with a cheery smile and excitement in his eyes.

"Gentlemen! Tonight we have a special visit for this night only, and I think you'll agree that she's well worth any money you wish to give her! Warriors from the five lands, behold a heavenly sight to see, a Linkaran priestess!" the man announced.

Louis stopped trying to examine the threads of the man's shirt and immediately focused his attention on the woman who was now entering the stage. The first thing that happened was that her more clunky robes were flung to the floor, along with the odd shirt that had to be tied on both sides before it could be kept on. Louis saw the woman and recognized her immediately.

Indow was on stage and performing a striptease.

Louis didn't know whether to be shocked or amused. Here was Indow, a girl who had always played humility and acted on the higher moral ground to Louis, and here she was, on stage taking off all her clothes in front of people she didn't even know, winking at them as if she wanted them alone for her sexual pleasure. By the time she was left in nothing but a bra and panties, Louis wanted to laugh loudly, finally realizing that everything seemed to fit together.

However, before Louis could finish his rationalizations and revelations, it came to his attention that one of the warriors near the stage had taken hold of one of Indow's ankles, almost pulling her into his lap. The man pointed to a list of rules of the club hanging on the other end of the room, and Indow shook her head and said something Louis couldn't hear. The warrior's friends seemed to be cheering him on, but no one was coming to Indow's aid. As a matter of fact, it looked as if the other men were about to help the warrior pull Indow off the stage.

And that's when Louis decided to be the knight in shining armor.

He walked over to the man who had grabbed onto Indow's ankle, tapped him on the shoulder, and after the man turned his head to see who had done this, Louis sent a right hook right into the man's nose. The electrical shock from the gauntlet sent the man to the ground immediately and into a stunned state. Indow just gasped, her face turning red as she saw Louis. The other warriors unsheathed their swords, but Louis just got in front of Indow and aimed his fists upwards, letting the gauntlets release their blades. He looked from one warrior to the next as the one that Louis had decked began to get him back up.

"If any one of you dares to come near me or the lady, I swear that in five minutes, I'll be the only guy in this room still standing." he stated.

The warriors chuckled at the 'child' who dared try to interrupt their fun as more men from the club began to stand from their seats.

*

White Raven wanted to scream, if only to put her own voice over the ones she was hearing. At first, she had only been able to hear one voice speaking to her. However, within an hour, they had multiplied like mad, more and more voices added every second. It was impossible for her to hear or distinguish any single thing they were saying, but the message was clear: she was a murderer, that she had to kill the Linkara, and that she had to return to the Darkness. She banged her head against tables, against walls, even against her soft bed, in an attempt to silence the voices that screamed eternal chaos and havoc within her mind and sanity.

White Raven wanted to scream, but even if it was loud enough to break glass, it could not go over the voices.

*

Louis took hold of an Elf's long hair and pushed its head quickly against a glass that had been on the table. The glass broke into several pieces, some of them slicing into the Elf's head. The impact and sudden loss of blood knocked the Elf unconscious, and Louis threw the limp body away from him. A human warrior tried to bring his sword down upon Louis from his back, but Louis merely ducked and sideswiped the man's legs with his greaves, sending an electrical shock through the man's legs and numbing them fast enough to make him fall to the ground. To make it even better, the flat edge of his own sword hit his face, causing another man to fall victim to unconsciousness.

Louis smiled and stood up, dusting off his flannel shirt and taking a quick look around. Alcohol and other beverages flowed from empty or broken glasses, and from fractured taps that had several men lying underneath them, obviously having been thrown into the taps. The ground was sticky from the mixing of liquids, and made worse when mixed with several different kinds of blood that came from minor or large wounds that had been inflicted by glass or Louis' blades. The sorcerers that had produced the light and music had already fled the scene, leaving the room filled only with candlelight.

"Well, my dear Indow, it is quite obvious to me that none of these people was trained in the art of drunken boxing. What makes it worse is that I did it in six minutes, not five..." Louis joked.

Louis turned around and saw Indow still on the stage. She was trying her best to cover herself up with her arms and legs as she cried and wept. Louis winced and kneeled down beside her, putting a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"My lord... I'm so sorry..." she whimpered.

"For what?"

"I am such a hypocrite... I am ready to receive rejection from the Linkara..."

"What?!"

"This is not the first time I have engaged in such deviant activities, my lord... Many times over the course of my life when I have left the church, I have done things like this. Some even worse. I am ready to be exiled from the Linkara for soiling my purity."

Louis rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, Indow. Don't tell me that you've been taught that whole 'purity equals heaven' bullshit, have you?"

"The concept of a Linkaran Priestess engaging in activities like sex has to be approved by the head of the church... And it's strictly regulated between Priestesses and Priests..."

Louis stood up and rolled his eyes once more. "Oh, that's got to be the biggest load of shit I've ever heard! You don't seriously think that I, your 'religious savior,' is really going to be so strict as to take away a basic freedom?"

"It is what we are always taught-"

"Your teachers were STUPID!"

Indow sniffled a little, raising her head up to have her eyes meet Louis'. She winced and turned away when she did, though. According to Linkaran beliefs, in a situation like this, to look into the Linkara's eyes is considered sinful, and Indow felt that she was in enough trouble as it was.

"Indow, why don't you just start this from the beginning?" Louis said, kneeling down once more.

Indow wiped away some of her tears. "Well, my lord, it started about two years ago... I'd get odd cravings for sexual pleasure any time I left the church. When I was in the church, I could control myself. But outside of the church, among so many people... I made deals, had sex, even did what I did here today: dance for warriors."

Louis sighed. "And let me guess: your parents don't know?"

"My mother died shortly after I was born. My father does not know. If he did, he would throw me out of the Linkara instantly, banish me from my own faith. I imagine that shall happen now with you, my lord.

Indow began crying once more, and grabbed Louis' arm.

"Please, my lord! Kill me now! I could not bear to live without the Linkaran faith!"

Louis pulled his arm away. "I'm not going to kill you, Indow, and you're not getting exiled!"

"What, my lord?!"

"Indow, people believing themselves to be 'pure' caused several wars on my planet and resulted in the deaths of millions. There is no such thing as 'pure' on this planet or on mine. I don't want the church that's modeled me as their savior to think that they're any holier than anyone else. Also, do you realize how attractive you look right now?"

"Excuse me?"

"Indow, right now, most males of my age are having hormone production up the wazoo. That means they're going to be horny little bastards around girls and most girls find that disgusting. To meet a girl like you, who is both bi and a stripper... Well, let's just say the concept isn't that unattractive."

"But it's sinful..."

"Indow, committing a couple of sins is not going to send you to hell. It's when you sin again and again without any care for who you might be hurting and don't want redemption is when it gets bad. And even if this did give grounds to kick you out of the Linkaran faith, just because you fooled around with a couple of guys and stripped for some others doesn't mean you're any less of a person."

"I feel like a whore..."

"You shouldn't. You're kind, sweet, and frankly I'm honored to have you at my side."

Indow sniffled a bit more, and her tears of sorrow transformed into tears of happiness. She wrapped her arms around Louis, who hugged her in return.

"Thank you, my lord..."

"You're quite welcome, my dear priestess. Man, I am on a roll! First White Raven and now you. Now, I recommend we get a head start out of here before the owner of the Inn gets up from his little nap..."

RiffingShow

"It's cold."

"It's wet."

"And it's dark."

"WE WANT TO SLEEP IN AN INN!"

Those were the four sentences that Louis had been listening to for the past hour as the group continued their journey across the Ai countryside.

Naturally the 14-year-old city boy did not complain about marching through rain and mud for days. Guess wandering through the forest for five fucking days has turned him into a grizzled survival expert who's seen it all.

"How many times do I have to tell you, there's an Inn up the road according to the maps that I got, and we'll stop there when we see it!" Louis shouted to the others.

LMAO, why is he in charge of the maps?

"Indow, what does the sign mean by 'Warrior's Rest?'"

Indow bit her lip, then replied, "It's the common term these days for a house of exotic dancers..."

Louis blinked. "Strippers?"

Bet that got his attention

"Well, that's certainly not why we're here, but-" Louis said.

"The strippers gonna strip anyways, so we might as well take a look..."

Louis had stopped when a thought had passed through his mind. "Um... Lithmenar, I don't suppose you lifted any money off of anyone in Walsz, did you?"

>they didn't ask the king for cash


I take it they didn't run into any kind of inn the previous days?

Lithmenar slapped himself in the head. "Argh! I knew I forgot to do something."

In truth, Lithmenar had pick pocketed quite a few people in Walsz, but he was saving some of the items for the proverbial 'rainy day.'

You better not start complaining, then.

"No, child! I refuse to sleep upon the cursed ground any longer!" Lithmenar shouted.

*sigh*

"Do not worry, thief. I can negotiate a way for us to stay in the Inn." Indow said, getting down off of her horse.

"I think the current rate is one blowie and one doggie."

"Do you want us to go with you?" Louis inquired.

I'm sure you'd love to watch.

Indow shook her head. "No, my lord, do not worry. I shall handle all the arrangements. I am very skilled in the art of diplomacy."

"My gag reflex is effectively gone."

*

"These 'French' seem quite dishonorable. You had been planning this trip for several years, practicing your music and waiting for that day, and they had probably not even practiced for more than a week! If it had been I, I would've stolen every korin on them!" Lithmenar stated

1) I refuse to believe a 14-year-old idiot practices for years for some stupid concert in France.
2) Why are the French the bad guys if they managed to upstage you with barely any training? Clearly they were the superior band/team.

"Yeah, but that's because you're a thief. I'm just a nice guy, so I let them get away with it." Louis said.

Louis turned to look at White Raven, who was staring up at the sky. Her lips looked like they were slightly quivering, like she was nervous or cold. "Raven, are you all right?" he asked.

"You better not be angsty again, woman."

White Raven murmured a response, then turned to Louis. "I'm sorry?"

"Well, besides for 'I'm sorry,' you haven't said two words since the other night when we first met you! You're not going all angsty on us again, are you?" Louis asked.

Hey, I was joking.

White Raven shook her head. "I've just been thinking about a lot of things. Don't mind me."

Louis and Lithmenar nodded.

She claims to be alright, or she gets the hose again.

"I've negotiated a means for us to stay at the Inn for the night and the morning. I've even acquired VIP accommodations!" Indow stated.

Why do you know what a "VIP" is? Is the new and improved magical boot translator responsible for this?

"Oh, I just told them who you were, who I was, that sort of thing, my lord." Indow stated.

Sure, just tell everyone that the Linkara is here near the frontlines.

"Very well. Come along, guys! Relaxation awaits!"

Nobody talks like that.

*

Louis also considered taking off the greaves and gauntlets, but realized that they actually were causing no discomfort whatsoever. As a matter of fact the armor that had been imbued by angels was in fact entirely comfortable and comforting. The metal didn't even seem to be in the least bit heavy.

I'm sure the padded metal gauntlets have no detrimental effects on his dexterity.
(I can't even get shit out my wallet while wearing fairly light winter gloves.)

The beds were made of extravagant silks and threads instead of the usual furs and animals hides that were common in many Inns.

Does the kingdom of Ai have a middle ground between Literal Viking and Literal King beds?

Meanwhile White Raven is hearing things.

Blood Raven does murder sleep.

Lewis Lovhaug does murder patience.

White Raven continued moving around. She called out, "Where are you?! Show yourself!"

Uneasy lies the one with white hair.

Annoyed reads the writer of this post.

Thou must murder the Linkara, lest Blood Raven shall murder sleep further.

I wish the Darkness would make up its mind on whether it wants Linkara alive or dead.

*

"Well, I guess it's time to hit the sack. Tomorrow brings a new adventure and new Dark Knights to slay!" Louis stated.

Your last encounter with Dark Knights almost resulted in a TPK, remember?

Louis then blinked as he looked around. "Jeez, I certainly talk to myself a lot more in this stupid place. I wonder if it's a side effect of the gauntlets... Ah shit, I was talking to myself again."

You being aware of it doesn't exactly make it any better, you know?

Louis looked around and saw that his current location was near the strip club section of the Inn. He chuckled silently, wondering if Indow had signed up to be one of the strippers.

"Maybe I can watch after all!"

He realized that he hadn't had a good laugh or done anything strangely perverse (except, of course, for bringing a mass murderer and a thief into his happy little clique) since he had arrived on Sin.

I don't like you using the word "perverse".

And if Sin was indeed the name of this planet, why doesn't he indulge himself in one of the common peasant pastimes on this dirty-sounding world?

What happens in Sin stays in Sin.

One thing that caught him as odd was that no one attempted to stop him when he entered the club. The working theory that he came up with was that because of the shortened life span most people on this planet, and of women's roles in this society for them, that children might be a frequent occurrence at clubs like these.

What exactly is the life span on this planet? And why is is shorter? They have potions and spells that can fix pretty much everything.
And what exactly is "women's role in this society"? Can't be too sexists considering most combat spellcasters you've run across were female.

One thing that Louis was curious about and used as justification for this little adventure of his was the educational value of this. Back on earth, they had electronics and recording devices that could generate music and lights for a strip club, but in a medieval setting like this, there were only actual people to perform music and candles and magic for light.

No. Turns out they've hired mages to use magic to provide the music and light. Education ruined.
And now we know that there are uses for magic besides force fields and fireballs (and spells of Infinite Power, whatever that is supposed to be). Why isn't Indow earning money with cantrips?

Louis stopped trying to examine the threads of the man's shirt and immediately focused his attention on the woman who was now entering the stage.

Except it took him a good moment to realize it's Indow. I wonder where he was looking.

By the time she was left in nothing but a bra and panties, Louis wanted to laugh loudly, finally realizing that everything seemed to fit together.

"So she is a slut! Delightfully devilish!"

Also I don't think a medieval society was very big into bras and/or panties.

However, before Louis could finish his rationalizations and revelations, it came to his attention that one of the warriors near the stage had taken hold of one of Indow's ankles, almost pulling her into his lap.

Turns out this isn't the type of watching he prefers.

And that's when Louis decided to be the knight in shining armor.

He walked over to the man who had grabbed onto Indow's ankle, tapped him on the shoulder, and after the man turned his head to see who had done this, Louis sent a right hook right into the man's nose.

Naturally Mr. Nice Guy solves this situation the way he knows best: with violence.

"If any one of you dares to come near me or the lady, I swear that in five minutes, I'll be the only guy in this room still standing." he stated.

The warriors chuckled at the 'child' who dared try to interrupt their fun as more men from the club began to stand from their seats.

Linkara would spend the next hours looking for his teeth on the floor.

*

White Raven wanted to scream, if only to put her own voice over the ones she was hearing. At first, she had only been able to hear one voice speaking to her. However, within an hour, they had multiplied like mad, more and more voices added every second.

Oh, those angsty characters. Always angsting around, amirite?
I'm sure it's nothing.

*

"Well, my dear Indow, it is quite obvious to me that none of these people was trained in the art of drunken boxing. What makes it worse is that I did it in six minutes, not five..." Louis joked.

Turns out Linkara is a Dynasty Warriors character when it's about brutalizing the people he's supposed to save.

"This is not the first time I have engaged in such deviant activities, my lord... Many times over the course of my life when I have left the church, I have done things like this. Some even worse."

"I had sex with black people."

"The concept of a Linkaran Priestess engaging in activities like sex has to be approved by the head of the church... And it's strictly regulated between Priestesses and Priests..."

I'm pretty sure it's the sex that has to be approved, not the concept of it.

Louis stood up and rolled his eyes once more. "Oh, that's got to be the biggest load of shit I've ever heard! You don't seriously think that I, your 'religious savior,' is really going to be so strict as to take away a basic freedom?"

Prostitution is a basic freedom. You've heard it here first.

She winced and turned away when she did, though. According to Linkaran beliefs, in a situation like this, to look into the Linkara's eyes is considered sinful, and Indow felt that she was in enough trouble as it was.

A bit late to reveal that aside from a (largely unkown) prophecy, the Linkaran faith also has etiquette guidelines on how to behave around the messiah (if he were to show up).

"Indow, why don't you just start this from the beginning?" Louis said, kneeling down once more.

"Don't you dare leave out the black guys."

Indow wiped away some of her tears. "Well, my lord, it started about two years ago... I'd get odd cravings for sexual pleasure any time I left the church. When I was in the church, I could control myself. But outside of the church, among so many people... I made deals, had sex, even did what I did here today: dance for warriors."

Just catgirl things.

"Indow, people believing themselves to be 'pure' caused several wars on my planet and resulted in the deaths of millions."

Is WWII gonna be your counter-argument for everything?

"I believe in [thing]."
"[thing] caused the death of millions on my world, you know?"

"Also, do you realize how attractive you look right now?"

"I dig the tiny ribbon on your panties."

"Indow, right now, most males of my age are having hormone production up the wazoo. That means they're going to be horny little bastards around girls and most girls find that disgusting. To meet a girl like you, who is both bi and a stripper... Well, let's just say the concept isn't that unattractive."

"I'm a horny little shit and completely objectifying you. You should be proud!"

"Indow, committing a couple of sins is not going to send you to hell. It's when you sin again and again without any care for who you might be hurting and don't want redemption is when it gets bad."

"What are a couple dicks in the eyes of God? You do have a god, right?"

"I feel like a whore..."

I wonder if it has something to do with you selling your body for goods and services...

"You're quite welcome, my dear priestess. Man, I am on a roll! First White Raven and now you."

Um, Indow showed up first, and you already gave her a struggle session where she had to admit to being bisexual. What exactly are you keeping track of? Companion side quests?

Next Time: Probably something about the whole Raven situation. I would hope it's less cringe, but I spotted the words "Yu-Gi-Oh!" while skimming over the chapter.

[Complicity]

King's Test

"Cracka, you finna taste a true Kang's wand"
"Yes my liege sluuuurrrp"

Secrets

"I'm gay, autistic, and i want cock"

Bargains

"I'll pretend to be a hardcore Christian"

Lies

"Iron Liz is a biological woman and i'm straight, shitlords"

[wulfenlord]

Nobody knows what's actually in the full prophecy

Suicide cult.

So White Raven used to be one of the Darkness' most notorious knights, until she learned to stop slaughtering and start smiling. I wish I was joking.

There was this really dumb sentence from the Dark Lady that scissored Indow, let me grab that real quick...

SpoilerShow

Despite propaganda to the contrary, the Dark Knights do take some pride in their work. Although we never smile, we do enjoy the rigors of physical expressions of 'love.' We have sex, but mainly to ease tension or to produce more soldiers for the Darkness' Great Army.

What the actual fuck is this smoothbrain thinking with this "no smiling" lore? I still can't make sense of it.

"It's cold."

"It's wet."

"And it's dark."

"WE WANT TO SLEEP IN AN INN!"

Louis shouted to the others.

I swear every other sentence has them shouting, wincing and/or smiling.

>they didn't ask the king for cash

"Oh no Innkeeper, isn't there another way I can pay?"

And if Sin was indeed the name of this planet, why doesn't he indulge himself in one of the common peasant pastimes on this dirty-sounding world?

"Oh Great Linkara, why must I wear this green inflatable suit?"

"Well, my dear Indow, it is quite obvious to me that none of these people was trained in the art of drunken boxing. What makes it worse is that I did it in six minutes, not five..." Louis joked.

Great, now they are (hopefully) getting thrown out because this literal white knight acts like a pimp on steroids, preventing his moneymaker from actual sexwork, and beating up actual paying patrons.

Cracka, you finna taste a true Kang's wand"
"Yes my liege sluuuurrrp"

That's gotta have been in the first draft :3

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

What the actual fuck is this smoothbrain thinking with this "no smiling" lore? I still can't make sense of it.

The gist of it appears to be that followers of the Darkness are literally incapable of smiling (unless they've taken levels in the Spy class). Because they are just so evil.
Since White Raven dared to smile, she was branded a traitor. I guess the Darkness does not believe in multiclassing.

Also what a great motivation for a reformed villain: "I smiled, therefore I am not 100% pure evil."

I swear every other sentence has them shouting, wincing and/or smiling.

And it never stops being annoying.

Great, now they are (hopefully) getting thrown out because this literal white knight acts like a pimp on steroids, preventing his moneymaker from actual sexwork, and beating up actual paying patrons.

To quote the man himself:

"Now, I recommend we get a head start out of here before the owner of the Inn gets up from his little nap..."

Though I fear making a run for it might get delayed, seeing how White Raven is having some kind of angsty episode.
I bet Linkara didn't scream at her long enough. Nothing a good slap to the face can't fix, I hope.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Book 1, Chapter 13 - Valor
(Or: Mind Warriors)



Now you might think I could use this reaction image for every chapter, and you'd be right. However, I feel like this chapter goes beyond the usual autism and ineptitude.
I also have no doubt in my mind that this is his favorite chapter from the first book, as it is a harbinger of things to come.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

RecapShow

So our heroes decided to dine and sleep in a luxurious inn that has both silk beds and, um, "cabaret".
Naturally everyone forgot to ask the king for money, so Indow had to do her usual thing and prostitute herself, this time by stripping in front of an entire crowd.
Linkara decided to watch the show to finally see a naked girl educate himself about the fine culture of Ai. He was utterly delighted, if not outright hollering, at seeing his underaged friend take off er clothes in front of adults. One might say that Linkara (the character) condones softcore pedophilia, but I certainly won't.
However, he wasn't nearly so tolerant when he found out that the fine culture of AI has a rather troubled relationship with the concept of "consent", so he decided to start a brawl.
And what a brawl it must have been. Dude went Bud Spencer & Terrence Hill on an entire room full of angry, cock-blocked men. A shame we didn't really see much of it, as this feat was above and beyond anything he has ever showcased in a previous fight.
Maybe his full power level is only unleashed off-screen.

Indow felt a bit bad and guilty about the whole situation, but it's nothing a bit of "Your opinions suck because WWII" or "I'm your messiah, bitch. I decide what is sinful or not" couldn't fix.
Though maybe Linkara was a bit too forgiving. It's not just that Indow would like to have a sex without getting a one-time loicense from the head priest (aka her dad), or that she keeps having to spread her legs to help out her comrades. No. She admits to far worse.
You know those doujins where the waifu becomes her school's designated cum dumpster? That's her, except they didn't even have to rape her until she liked it.

I guess sexual liberation is fine and all, but I don't think enabling a literal nymphomanic prostitue is the way to go. This way of life has a tendency to not ber very jolly.

A completely unrelated imageShow

(Still waiting for the Netflix animu adaptation)

Also he told her that he finds it hot af that she's a dirty whore in her underwear. As a compliment. What a (self-proclamed) nice guy.

Naturally with most of the other guests hospitalized, Linkara thinks it's prudent to get the hell out of Dodge. Unfortunately this angsty bitch White Raven has decided to once against steal Linkara's spotlight. Turns out her evil past self Blood Raven is trying to posess her, or at least compel her to kill Linkara.
Now you might be confused, because the current order for Dark Knights is to catch the Linkara alive for some fucking reason. Either Blood Raven hasn't been in touch with the Darkness, did not listen to the conversion those other knights had, or the Darkness just loves changing its mind all the time. I bet it only swings to "I want the Linkara alive!" when the boy has been captured.

Also apparently this is the first time this has ever happened to White Raven, which is some splendid timing.
Also Blood Raven has a very annoying way of talking. I think our dear author is going for what he thinks characters in epic poems kinda-sorta sound like, but she really just reminds me of a cross between Yoda (jumbled word order) and Dobby (speaking of herself in the third person).
I really hope he ditches that this chapter (spoiler alert: he did).

ChapterShow

"Well, well, well! So little miss morally superior is actually a whore!" Lithmenar laughed.

"She is not a whore, Lithmenar, and I'll thank you not to make such rude comments about our friends." Louis stated

"Did we really have to tell them, my lord?" Indow asked, embarrassed thoroughly after Louis had told White Raven and Lithmenar of her previous employment at the Inn.

"It's necessary. Secrets are only going to keep us apart, Indow. Telling one another the truth about ourselves allows us to work better as a team and better fight off anyone who would stand in our way." Louis stated.

"And this whole 'team' thing is why you dragged me out of my nice, comfortable bed in the middle of the night to inform me of the fact that we were leaving CONSIDERABLY earlier than we had originally intended?" Lithmenar inquired angrily.

"Dude, I practically wrecked up their primary source of income when I rescued Indow from some dickfaces who wanted to have sex with her, as per the rules of the club." Louis explained.

"Well, then the little whore girl should've done what she was told!" Lithmenar chuckled.

Indow winced and blushed heavily once more. Louis glared at Lithmenar and turned his horse around to block him from moving any further. A blade slid out of his left armor and stopped at Lithmenar's throat. Lithmenar didn't breathe, he just looked down at the blade.

"Listen to me, you son of a bitch: you are a member of this ragtag group of heroes at MY leisure only. You are pissing me off by calling someone I care about a whore. If you don't shut up, you will find yourself very unpopular among the others and myself. More so than you already are." Louis stated.

Lithmenar did a slight head jiggle to indicate that he understood, because if he had nodded, he would've very likely gotten his throat slit. Louis smiled and pulled away. Lithmenar shivered and moved his horse back next to White Raven, whereas Louis went up to Indow's.

"Next on our list of confessions is telling your father. I've already made arrangements from the Inn to have him meet us in L'Sol, the capitol of Ünaré." Louis stated.

"He'll throw me out of the Linkara, my lord..." Indow whimpers.

"If he truly loves you, he'll understand."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then I invoke my all-mighty powers of being the testament of your religion and tell him you'll stay in or I'll kick HIM out."

Indow smiled and giggled lightly.

"MAKE IT STOP!"

The sudden scream brought the horses to a hard stop and almost had Indow and Louis jump off the saddles. They turned the horses around and saw that White Raven had gotten off of her horse, and she was clutching her head like she was in pain. Lithmenar, on his horse, was several feet away, blinking in confusion.

"What happened?!" Louis shouted.

"I'm not sure! I was just talking to her about the possibility of going into business together, and then she fell off her horse and started screaming!" Lithmenar answered.

White Raven rolled around on the ground, screaming and moaning as she clawed at her own hair. Her armor and clothes stained as she banged her head against the ground and continued rolling. After a few more moments of this, she stopped rolling and looked as if she were shivering. Then, she slowly rose and took an arrow out of her back sheath. She growled loudly and ran at Louis, who was caught completely by surprise from the attack. Louis gasped and put his arms in a defensive position, but it was little that could stand up against the arrow, which White Raven plunged deep into his right arm. Louis yelped in pain and fell back, cradling his injured arm. White Raven was about to leap on Louis once more and plunge the arrow into his throat had Lithmenar not suddenly slam his fist against her face.

White Raven fell to the ground and began to get up again, but Lithmenar was already on top of her, holding her down with one arm as his other hand reached into a pouch attached to his belt. Lithmenar emptied the contents of the pouch onto White Raven's face. To the naked eye, it was only a red powder. However, powders and dusts were the one thing on Sin that were always more than what they appeared to be. Seconds afterwards, White Raven's body went limp and she fell asleep. Lithmenar got off of her, turning to see Indow using some type of spell to repair the wound to Louis' arm.

"Nice move, lithie. What was that you used?" Louis inquired.

"Gethric powder. Very potent. She'll be asleep for hours." Lithmenar replied.

Louis smiled and nodded. Indow reached down and helped him up as his arm finished healing. Louis tested it quickly, twisting it and moving it around, and wiggling his fingers to test their response. He then walked over to White Raven's unconscious body and looked it over.

"Any idea what happened?" Louis asked.

"I believe that she is suffering from Zexrip Syndrome, my lord." Indow stated.

"Which is...?"

"It is a brain illness. It occurs mostly in soldiers who have fought in long, bloody wars. They begin to hallucinate, hear voices no one else can, and most of the time turn violent on those around them." Indow explained.

"Great, she's become a schizophrenic. Is there a treatment?"

Indow nodded. "Yes, but I am reluctant to do so."

"Why?" Lithmenar asked.

"Because usually the person commits suicide after a few hours of the illness. If we left her here and continued on by ourselves..." Indow suggested.

Louis shook his head immediately. "No way, Indow. We're not leaving anyone behind to kill themselves. You're not still upset over her past, are you?"

"She murdered HUNDREDS! Including-"

Indow stopped and shook her head.

"She's a murderer and deserves to pay for her crimes." Indow stated.

"Last time I checked, you had sex with multiple partners just for some hormonal drive and stripped in front of strangers. Lithmenar's a thief but he just saved my life when he could've let me die. Don't go playing morally superior on me, now, Indow. Just do what you have to do to make her better." Louis commanded.

Indow winced and sighed. "It's not that simple. I need to activate a Mind Recovery spell, which involves bringing someone within the person's mind to help them out of whatever ills them."

"Then I'll go." Louis said.

"Very well, my lord, but I still object to saving her." Indow stated.

"Objection noted. Indow, can you bring more than one person inside a mind?" Louis asked.

"Yes, but if you're suggesting that I go with-"

"On the contrary, Indow, I need you here to make sure nothing goes wrong. Lithie's coming along with me. He might prove useful." Louis interrupted.

"I save your life and this is my repayment?" Lithmenar balked.

"I trust you about as far as I can throw you, Lithmenar." Louis said with a glare.

Lithmenar shrugged and sat down next to White Raven, as did Louis. Indow stood up and extended her arms outwards. She began whispering words silently, stopping only to breathe as she closed her eyes. Her entire body began to glow a bright blue, with a fiery aura surrounding her. All of sudden, both Lithmenar and Louis began to feel light- headed and sleepy, and when they looked down at themselves, they saw that their own bodies were glowing, as well. The two slowly closed their own eyes as their bodies collapsed on top of White Raven's.

Indow sat down and kept her arms hovering over their bodies to maintain the spell.

*

"Kid?"

"Yes?"

"Why are we in a corridor?"

"I don't know."

"It's just I don't remember entering a corridor."

"I know."

"It's almost as if we really aren't in a corridor."

"We aren't."

"How do you know?"

"Because Indow just initiated the spell thing. Obviously, we are receiving a crude interpretation of White Raven's mind."

"How do you figure? This just looks like a corridor made out of yellow stones."

"Ah, but there is more than meets the eye. No one truly knows what the unconscious mind can perceive, although with dreams and imaginations, it might as well be anything they can comprehend. However, for someone else, who's in a more conscious state of mind, might not be able to perceive these things. And so, our brains are interpreting the neural pathways in White Raven's brain as literal pathways, or corridors, or for all we know, streets. Everything may seem physically real, but it's not."

"Does that mean we're indestructible?"

"In theory, yes. But if I've learned anything from television and movies, it's that you should never take that for granted. Something that attacks us here might actually harm us by sending electrical impulses into our brains, like commands to sever a nerve impulse or cut a blood vessel."

"I see..."

"No, you don't."

"You're right. I don't."

The two were, indeed, within what appeared to be some type of corridor. It was made of yellow stones that covered the walls and floor around them. And although it looked like a simple corridor to them, from above, one could actually see that it was, in fact, a maze. There were several twists and turns confounding them at most places, and the only thing that wasn't part of the labyrinth was blackness all around them. They were walking on it, and the sky and area beyond the maze were black.

"Well, what do we do now?" Lithmenar inquired.

"I think we should look around, try to find White Raven through all this mess." Louis said, and started off down the corridor.

"Wait a minute, aren't we inside of her head right now?" Lithmenar asked, following behind him.

"Yes, but no doubt there's a somewhat-physical manifestation of her in this realm. All we have to do is find her! Provided that this maze isn't some sort of-"

Louis stopped talking when he and Lithmenar turned another corner in the labyrinth. They slowly raised their heads up when they had seen what was in front of them: the scaly, clawed, and gargantuan foot of a gold dragon. The creature stood about as high as the average hospital, and had a long beak of a mouth that curved downwards at the tip, and three horns coming out of the top of it's head. Its eyes were black but for a white spot that served as a pupil. When it opened it's mouth to roar at the two small intruders, the sound practically sent Louis and Lithmenar off of their feet and onto the ground.

"Run?" Lithmenar inquired.

"FUCK YES!" Louis shouted, scrambling to his feet and rubbing his sore ears.

The two immediately began running down from which they came. The dragon, now having spotted new prey, spread out it's forty-foot long wings and took to the 'skies.' Louis and Lithmenar, even with small speed compared to the humongous creature's own ability to go farther in a shorter amount of time, still managed to get away about fifty feet before the dragon fell upon the labyrinth directly in front of the two, blocking their path. Louis winced and began to get up to run away again, but he felt all of his strength drain away. The short outburst of energy and adrenaline had worn off quickly, and he wasn't likely to get very far.

And that's when Louis had an idea.

"Lithmenar, get behind me!" Louis commanded.

"You want to get killed first? Fine by me!" Lithmenar shouted, and crawled behind Louis.

Louis grinned and reached into his pocket. What he had wanted was right there, waiting for him. The dragon's eyes peered down at Louis, who was grinning back up at the enormous creature. Whatever was in his pocket, Louis pulled it out and hid it behind his hand.

"Yo, winged shit! You want some barbecue? Then fucking flame on, already!" Louis shouted up to it.

The dragon roared into the air, but because of the direction the sound was going, Louis and Lithmenar remained where they were. Immediately afterwards, the dragon's head came back down to face Louis and Lithmenar, and red fire blasted from its mouth like a tidal wave of flame. However, Louis was ready for it. He lifted the object he had taken from his pocket into the path of the flame and shouted something Lithmenar couldn't hear.

Lithmenar expected both Louis and himself to be engulfed in flames and to feel instant hell from the heat and pain, but it never happened. The object in Louis' hand, a rectangular piece of what appeared to be thin wood or a thick paper, began to glow. The dragon's fire didn't get within five feet of the card before it switched direction in on itself. The fire funneled back through itself and right into the dragon from which it came. The fire consumed it quickly, completely frying the creature in a matter of seconds. What remained of it was nothing more than a few stray ashes. Lithmenar slowly moved away from the back of Louis and gaped at the ashes that had once been a dragon.

"By the mystic pits... What sort of magic was that?!" Lithmenar shouted.

"Trap, actually. That card I pulled from my pocket was from a game called Yu- Gi-Oh. What I activated was a trap called 'Mirror Force.' It reflects the attack of an opponent's monster back at them. I finally figured out that I can use the fact that we're within someone else's mind to our advantage. Our own imaginations can be used to protect us while we're here. That dragon was probably a safeguard in White Raven's mind to protect her against intruders."

"Well, as nice a thought as that is, kid, we're still stuck in this maze." Lithmenar stated.

"Actually, since I can now manipulate cards in a game, I think I can manipulate gravity, as well." Louis replied, smiling.

Lithmenar raised an eyebrow inquisitively, not sure of what Louis was talking about. Although he didn't know what the word 'gravity' meant, he realized that Louis obviously was more like a bird than a man, because Louis lifted off the ground and hovered five feet above it. Lithmenar blinked briefly, then shrugged, concentrating his mind in flying. His shivered in shock as his feet jumped off of the ground, along with his entire body. Louis grinned and ascended into the sky, yelling and roaring with glee as he performed several aerial maneuvers.

"This is incredible, kid!" Lithmenar laughed.

"You're telling me?! I've wanted to do something like this since I was a-" Louis began, but he stopped when his eyes came towards the center of the maze.

White and black lightning was shooting out from it, along with pillars of smoke and what appeared to be pieces of the labyrinth shooting into the air. Louis raised an eyebrow and turned over to Lithmenar, who was noticing the same thing.

"Do you believe that that is the location of White Raven's attacker?" Lithmenar asked.

"Either that or it's Charlton Hesston’s Family Reunion." Louis stated, and used his levitation to bring him down towards the source of the lightning.

And there, before the two's eyes, was a sight to see. There appeared to be two White Ravens, both alike in physical appearance, but their clothing was quite different from one another. One wore the white armor that Louis and Lithmenar already recognized, but the other's was quite different. It was a deep black, and shaped like those of a Dark Knight's. She was also grinning maniacally, whereas the one in white merely glared at her opponent as she launched arrow after arrow from behind her back. Each arrow that missed the White Raven in black immediately exploded into lightning that shot out in multiple directions.

Louis and Lithmenar nodded at one another, then quickly descended downwards towards the White Raven in white armor. She winced and pulled the two behind a cropping of debris that had once been a wall within the vast maze.

"What are you two doing here?! This is not your fight!" she exclaimed.

"I'll justify my actions after I help you kill that thing. Who is she?" Louis asked.

"She is a manifestation of Blood Raven. Even though I was rejected by the Darkness, I still have feelings about returning to it. That thing over there represents my desire to return to the Darkness." White Raven explained.

"Well, that explains the Zexrip you've fallen ill to. How do we kill the abomination?" Lithmenar inquired.

"Easier said than done. The creature is just as skilled as I am, and she fights me with a bloodlust I have not known for years. I fear coming here may bring more harm than good, my lord." White Raven stated.

"Yeah? Well, let's see how that bitch holds up against the Linkara!" Louis shouted, and leapt out from behind the rubble.

Blood Raven immediately shot out an arrow at Louis, but his heightened speed and agility countered immediately, letting his gauntlet get in the way of the arrow before it could reach his chest. The lightning that shot out from Blood Raven's arrow shorted out instantly thanks to the mystical lightning of Louis' gauntlet. Louis smiled at Blood Raven, who was also grinning.

"Care to dance?" he laughed.

Blood Raven closed her eyes and concentrated. Louis raised an eyebrow, curious as to what she was doing. Her intent became obvious when Louis realized that his gauntlets and boots began to fade away into golden dust. Louis winced, shouting a profanity as the last remnants of his Linkaran objects disappeared into the labyrinth floor. Blood Raven reopened her eyes, laughing with demonic glee.

"I'm afraid it's a two-edged sword, Linkara! I know how you defeated my dragon, but if you can manipulate the area around here, I can do so, too!" she shouted.

Louis grimaced momentarily, then smirked. "Fine by me. I've got about a thousand years worth of technological and literary knowledge on you. I've watched over 100,000 hours of television, seen well over a hundred movies, and am a master of anime and comic books. And now, it's time for me to go Bruce Campbell on your ass!"

Louis' left hand began to change dramatically. It extended outwards and turned into a long, spinning chain with a red handle. The chain kept growing outwards, turning into a long, oval-shaped blade that continuously spun. It had become a chainsaw. From one shoulder down to the opposite side of his waist, and vice versa for the other shoulder, leather straps came down and formed an X on his torso, large bullets appearing in the strappings. Louis reached onto his back with his right hand and pulled out a double- barreled shotgun. He twirled it around his finger like a Western movie. Louis grinned as he activated the chainsaw on his left arm, very happy to hear the sound of technology from his own time. He then twirled the shotgun one more time as he said one word:

"GROOVY."

Lithmenar and White Raven just stared with confused looks on their faces at Louis, who prepared himself for Blood Raven's charge. She had just unsheathed her sword, it's black metal somehow being visible against the dark sky. Louis just merely continued to stand where he was, smiling contently. Blood Raven, impatient and headstrong, immediately rushed forward to try to strike down Louis in one blow.

However, Louis merely raised his chainsaw up and slashed across Blood Raven's sword. The sword was cut in half, the black metal falling to the ground instantly, much to the amazement of Blood Raven.

And before Blood Raven could even register this sudden change of advantage on the battlefield, Louis raised up his shotgun to her chest.

"This is where you say, 'I'll swallow your soul!'" he said, then promptly pulled the shotgun trigger.

For Lithmenar and White Raven, it was as if something had just exploded and they were right next to it. The sound was deafening for them, and they had to cover their ears to try to keep back the ringing that was in them. The force of the blast had sent a clean hole straight through Blood Raven, whose body fell to the ground with a thud, a black pool of blood already forming underneath her.

"Score one for the-"

But before Louis could finish saying his victory speech, something new came out of Blood Raven's corpse. They were black tendrils, and they were coming out of the hole that the shotgun had made. They whipped out and surrounded Blood Raven's body, the tentacles multiplying in number exponentially. The tendrils began to grow in size, much to Louis' dismay. Louis raised the shotgun up and shot it once more to try to slay the beast, but the hole it created merely regenerated itself. Louis could only retreat step by step as the mass of tentacles grew ten feet tall.

"Okay, I could use some help!" Louis exclaimed.

White Raven and Lithmenar came out from behind the rock, going side by side to Louis. Lithmenar looked a little more nervous, but was prepared no less. White Raven seemed to be determined and strong, and not in the least bit frightened of the monstrosity that was before them. Lithmenar took two daggers from his waist belt and smiled as White Raven readied an arrow from her back holster. Louis smiled and revved up the chainsaw.

"Let's go!" he roared.

Louis' words were all the two needed. All three charged at the creature, Lithmenar flinging knives into it while White Raven sent barrages of arrows. However, none of the blades seemed to be having any kind of effect on the tentacle creature. All of a sudden, multiple tendrils shot out of the ever-growing beast at the three. Louis managed to mow down any of his own attacking tentacles using the chainsaw, but the others were not so lucky. Lithmenar was ensnared within seconds and sucked into the tentacle creature. White Raven managed to jump into the air to evade the first group of tendrils, but a second group came out of the top of the creature and snagged onto her arms and legs, pulling her inside, as well.

Louis winced and continued to back off as he saw the physical silhouettes of Lithmenar and White Raven appear at the front of the creature. The creature then spoke, using Lithmenar and White Raven's mouths.

"And now, Linkara, you too shall be assimilated into my form. My power shall surpass even the Darkness itself when I have added your knowledge and prowess within me!"

Louis gasped and continued to move back, swiping his chainsaw at any approaching tendrils. Louis realized that he couldn't keep this up forever. Blood Raven's new form could merely let loose a full wave of tentacles out at him, and then everything that he had worked for would be in vain. Blood Raven would assimilate him, and everything that he was, she would-

And that thought is what gave Louis an idea. He smiled and let his chainsaw disintegrate mentally, along with his shotgun. He then let his clothes change and clean themselves up, once again becoming the plaid flannel shirt, jeans, and Chuck Taylor Converses that he had first arrived in. He then looked up at Blood Raven and gave her a nice big smile.

All of a sudden, Louis began to change.

His body shrunk down to a height no taller than two feet, and his Caucasian skin hardened and turned gray. His hair disappeared, replaced by an antenna and his head turned into a cone shape. His eyes grew to enormous sizes and rounded more, and began to glow a bright blue. His hands became small claw-like appendages, and a red tongue hung out of his mouth as he grinned in a stupid manner.

Louis had become GIR from the television show Invader Zim.

"Ooooh... Spaghetti!" GIR exclaimed, looking up at the tentacle creature.

Blood Raven, not deterred by the appearance of the small robot, launched out a new series of tentacles that quickly wrapped around GIR and began pulling him into it.

"Yay! I'm doomed!" GIR shouted happily before being sucked inside the creature.

And with GIR now absorbed, the Blood Raven creature began to laugh and gloat.

"YES! And now that the Linkara is mine, I can- teehee... Waffles! I mean, I shall return to the Darkness and reclaim my- SQUIRRELS! Squirrels everywhere! Oh no... WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!?! I NEED TACOS!"

Then, Blood Raven exploded.

*

Louis and Lithmenar slowly opened their eyes, as did White Raven's. The three of them looked around themselves, and saw that they were once again in the field that White Raven had originally collapsed in. White Raven slowly leaned upwards, her sight a little blurry from all that had happened. She rubbed her eyes, trying to get them to refocus as Louis and Lithmenar experienced similar effects.

"What happened?" Lithmenar asked.

"I realized that if Blood Raven were to assimilate something totally stupid, she'd become stupid in return. She'd never be able to keep her sanity in check as long as she was singing the Doom Song and screaming about tacos, so I figured she'd self-destruct." Louis explained.

"A brilliant strategy, my lord. But haven't you noticed something?" White Raven asked.

"What?" Louis inquired.

"Well, we are currently surrounded by Dark Knights, and Indow appears to be within in their possession." White Raven stated.

Louis and Lithmenar raised their heads up. Dark Knights stood all around them, with several Dark Sorcerers standing behind them. The lead Dark Knight, wearing a helmet with horns coming from it, held a struggling Indow inside of his massive arms. The three quickly jumped to their feet, facing the Dark Knight that was holding Indow, a hand over her mouth.

"Surrender or die, Linkara." He said, his voice deep and booming.

Louis felt a cold feeling running across his chest and stomach, and looked down at himself. His flannel shirt and T-shirt were being covered by a golden armor. Louis grinned and then looked back up to face the Dark Knight as the latest piece of his armor finished by the shoulder armor forming. Louis' blades slid out of the gauntlets, and Louis held them up in a defensive stance.

"I just managed to defeat a mental condition using a character from a cartoon and you think you guys intimidate me? HA! You want me, eh?" Louis asked.

Louis crossed his blades over one another and scraped them together once, creating a few sparks and once again went into a defensive position.

"Come get some."

RiffingShow

"Well, well, well! So little miss morally superior is actually a whore!" Lithmenar laughed.

"She is not a whore, Lithmenar...

"She's only selling her body for goods, services, and to sate her own sexual addiction. That's a completely different thing!"

... and I'll thank you not to make such rude comments about our friends." Louis stated

"Only I'm allowed to be an asshole around here, fuck-face."

"Did we really have to tell them, my lord?" Indow asked, embarrassed thoroughly after Louis had told White Raven and Lithmenar of her previous employment at the Inn.

How can you tell this to White Raven? I thought she's busy doing this:

"It's necessary. Secrets are only going to keep us apart, Indow. Telling one another the truth about ourselves allows us to work better as a team and better fight off anyone who would stand in our way." Louis stated.

I bet nobody else is ever gonna admit their dirty little secrets. White Raven doesn't count because her nonsense is apparently public knowledge.

"And this whole 'team' thing is why you dragged me out of my nice, comfortable bed in the middle of the night to inform me of the fact that we were leaving CONSIDERABLY earlier than we had originally intended?" Lithmenar inquired angrily.

Wait, you're already outside? What happened to White Raven doing this:


Did nobody hear her banging her head against the wall to make the voices in her head stop?

"Listen to me, you son of a bitch: you are a member of this ragtag group of heroes at MY leisure only. You are pissing me off by calling someone I care about a whore."

"Even if it is technically true."

"If you don't shut up, you will find yourself very unpopular among the others and myself. More so than you already are." Louis stated.

Just kick him out. He's already very unpopular with Indow for being a dirty Jew thief, and he hasn't really done much to help (aside from killing knights out of self-preservation). I'm sure you found him cute at first because he gave a thumbs up to all of your dumb antics, but your relationship has really deteriorated in the last couple chapters.
I'm also starting to wonder why he's still putting up with this shit. Whatever riches he hopes to steal by following Linkara have yet to materialize. His only score so far have been a couple pockets in the capital, and that was days ago.
And he already got entrance into the king's castle. That should've been his cue to grab as much as he can and exist the stage. I mean, what else is the guy hoping for? A dragon hoard?

"He'll throw me out of the Linkara, my lord..." Indow whimpers.

"If he truly loves you, he'll understand."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then I invoke my all-mighty powers of being the testament of your religion and tell him you'll stay in or I'll kick HIM out."

I see he's already orchestrating his next "Face of an ANGRY GOD" moment. By convincing Indow to do something that will have her getting she shit kicked out of. So he can be a "knight in shining armor" once again. What a nice guy.

"MAKE IT STOP!"

The sudden scream brought the horses to a hard stop and almost had Indow and Louis jump off the saddles. They turned the horses around and saw that White Raven had gotten off of her horse, and she was clutching her head like she was in pain.

Ah, I see the author has finally remembered that subplot.

"What happened?!" Louis shouted.

"I'm not sure! I was just talking to her about the possibility of going into business together, and then she fell off her horse and started screaming!" Lithmenar answered.

"I take it she didn't like your offer?"

Then, she slowly rose and took an arrow out of her back sheath. She growled loudly and ran at Louis, who was caught completely by surprise from the attack. Louis gasped and put his arms in a defensive position, but it was little that could stand up against the arrow, which White Raven plunged deep into his right arm.

If it's that easy to get past your indestructable parry gauntlets, you would've lost your arms a couple fights ago.

White Raven was about to leap on Louis once more and plunge the arrow into his throat had Lithmenar not suddenly slam his fist against her face.

Finally, the time has come for Lithmenar to show his worth!
It's about all he does to contribute in any meaningful way this chapter.

Lithmenar emptied the contents of the pouch onto White Raven's face. To the naked eye, it was only a red powder. However, powders and dusts were the one thing on Sin that were always more than what they appeared to be.

As opposed to Earth, where powders and dust have absolutely no properties at all. Cocaine is just an illusion, sheeple!

"Gethric powder. Very potent. She'll be asleep for hours." Lithmenar replied.

Louis smiled and nodded.

Little did Linkara know this was what Lithmenar does to all women he wants to rape spend the night with.

"Any idea what happened?" Louis asked.

"I believe that she is suffering from Zexrip Syndrome, my lord." Indow stated.

Indow has the innate ability to know everything about White Raven. Pretty cool considering the two haven't really interacted with each other so far.
So this isn't the Darkness trying to reactivate Raven's old self? It's just a thing that happens to war veterans? A sudden bout of super PTSD?
How convenient she only got this a couple days after meeting the protagonists.

"Because usually the person commits suicide after a few hours of the illness. If we left her here and continued on by ourselves..." Indow suggested.

Oh, the super PTSD kills within hours of its breakout. You sure that's just some kind of PTSD?

She's a murderer and deserves to pay for her crimes." Indow stated.

"Last time I checked, you had sex with multiple partners just for some hormonal drive and stripped in front of strangers. Lithmenar's a thief but he just saved my life when he could've let me die. Don't go playing morally superior on me, now, Indow. Just do what you have to do to make her better." Louis commanded.

"You're a dirty whore, so your opinion doesn't matter. Do as I tell you, woman!"
"My Lord. Didn't you just berate Lithmenar for-"
"IT'S OKAY WHEN I DO IT. I'M THE GODDAMN LINKARA, REMEMBER?!"
"Y-yes, my Lord..."

"Objection noted. Indow, can you bring more than one person inside a mind?" Louis asked.

"Yes, but if you're suggesting that I go with-"

"On the contrary, Indow, I need you here to make sure nothing goes wrong. Lithie's coming along with me. He might prove useful." Louis interrupted.

Wouldn't the mage be more useful here? Also is that like a reflex of yours? "Gotta take Lithmenar with me; might be useful."? You keep insisting on him tagging along because of a vague (and unwarranted) hunch.
What's he gonna do? Unlock a mind door for you?

"I save your life and this is my repayment?" Lithmenar balked.

"I trust you about as far as I can throw you, Lithmenar." Louis said with a glare.

For someone you don't trust, you sure seem to think that he's gonna be your Get Out of Jail Free card.

Indow sat down and kept her arms hovering over their bodies to maintain the spell.

Oh, so she could never join Linkara anyway because this spell requires concentration to maintain. A good thing Linkara let her finish her sentence.

*

"Kid?"

Why is that your nickname for Linkara? You're only three years older physically, and roughly the same age mentally.
What happened to "Linkster"? That's what you called him first. Sure it's stupid, but at least I can understand it.

"Yes?"

"Why are we in a corridor?"

"I don't know."

Because Indow cast a spell to beam you into Raven's brain?

"Because Indow just initiated the spell thing. Obviously, we are receiving a crude interpretation of White Raven's mind."

I'm glad you guys had this conversation. I would've never guessed the causality here without.

"How do you figure? This just looks like a corridor made out of yellow stones."

"Ah, but there is more than meets the eye. No one truly knows what the unconscious mind can perceive, although with dreams and imaginations, it might as well be anything they can comprehend. However, for someone else, who's in a more conscious state of mind, might not be able to perceive these things. And so, our brains are interpreting the neural pathways in White Raven's brain as literal pathways, or corridors, or for all we know, streets. Everything may seem physically real, but it's not."

• JFC, just say "This is just how our minds interpret being inside her mind". Nobody was asking for your doctor's thesis on Theoretical Neurology.
• How can you be sure of any of this? For all you know this is just how the spell makes this mind delve look like
• It'd be mildly interesting if you two weren't seeing the exact same thing

"Does that mean we're indestructible?"

"In theory, yes. But if I've learned anything from television and movies, it's that you should never take that for granted. Something that attacks us here might actually harm us by sending electrical impulses into our brains, like commands to sever a nerve impulse or cut a blood vessel."

You could've just asked Indow about what the potential perils of mind delving actually are. But no, I guess you encyclopedic knowledge of Nightmare on Elm Street has already taught you everything you could possibly need to know.
I also seriously doubt that your brain can sever or cut anything on command. Stop trying to explain this magical mind ride scientifically.

The two were, indeed, within what appeared to be some type of corridor. It was made of yellow stones that covered the walls and floor around them. And although it looked like a simple corridor to them, from above, one could actually see that it was, in fact, a maze.

What is this shit? Is this written with a potential movie/comic adaptation in mind? Let me fix this right there:

Try as they might, the two could never find a window, door, or really any kind of distinguishing feature. Any twist, turn or junction they took just lead to more identical looking twists, turns and junctions.

"This place is like a labyrinth", Lithmenar complained.

"I fear it is a labyrinth", Linkara declared.

"Any bright ideas, Linkster?"

"Well, back in my world, we know a simple trick to navigate our way through any labyrinth. I just hope this place isn't too big, 'cause this method will take a while..."

(Expect the full rewrite after the release of The Winds of Winter.)

"I think we should look around, try to find White Raven through all this mess." Louis said, and started off down the corridor.

"Wait a minute, aren't we inside of her head right now?" Lithmenar asked, following behind him.

"Yes, but no doubt there's a somewhat-physical manifestation of her in this realm. All we have to do is find her! Provided that this maze isn't some sort of-"

Well if we go by Little Witch Academia (which is just as valid and hard science as Freddy Krueger), then Raven's mind should be filled with batshit insane clones representing the various facets of her personality.
It's probably just Good Raven and Evil Raven fighting for dominance, right?

The dragon, now having spotted new prey, spread out it's forty-foot long wings and took to the 'skies.' Louis and Lithmenar, even with small speed compared to the humongous creature's own ability to go farther in a shorter amount of time, still managed to get away about fifty feet before the dragon fell upon the labyrinth directly in front of the two, blocking their path.

The only thing missing from this most boring description of a dragon chase scene is the exact number of seconds they were running.

"By the mystic pits... What sort of magic was that?!" Lithmenar shouted.

What are the mystic pits? They're probably a real place, considering your an atheist.

"Trap, actually. That card I pulled from my pocket was from a game called Yu- Gi-Oh. What I activated was a trap called 'Mirror Force.' It reflects the attack of an opponent's monster back at them."

• A good thing the dragon wasn't immune to the damage type of its own breath weapons. 'Cause most D&D dragons are. Plus there are a bunch of other stories where fire dragons don't give a shit about fire. Or are you telling me using your bullshit YGO card turned the dragon into a YGO monster?
• If you can really just summon anything from any IP into mind-existence and have it work exactly like the real deal, you should've summoned one of those scepters of dragon control from that first Dungeons & Dragons movie.

So Linkara defeats the dragon with the power of his imagination. Not a bad idea in theory, but I object to him just appropriating shit from other IPs. Think for yourself.

White and black lightning was shooting out from it, along with pillars of smoke and what appeared to be pieces of the labyrinth shooting into the air. Louis raised an eyebrow and turned over to Lithmenar, who was noticing the same thing.

I must applaud you two for not wincing.

"Do you believe that that is the location of White Raven's attacker?" Lithmenar asked.

"Either that or it's Charlton Hesston’s Family Reunion." Louis stated

There appeared to be two White Ravens, both alike in physical appearance, but their clothing was quite different from one another. One wore the white armor that Louis and Lithmenar already recognized, but the other's was quite different. It was a deep black, and shaped like those of a Dark Knight's. She was also grinning maniacally, whereas the one in white merely glared at her opponent as she launched arrow after arrow from behind her back. Each arrow that missed the White Raven in black immediately exploded into lightning that shot out in multiple directions.

He keeps pointing out that Evil Raven is "grinning", so it must be different from "smiling".
Also an archer duel sounds kinda lame, tbh. Even with the lightning shit it's basically a wizard duel where both wizards only know the same spell.

"She is a manifestation of Blood Raven. Even though I was rejected by the Darkness, I still have feelings about returning to it. That thing over there represents my desire to return to the Darkness." White Raven explained.

"Well, that explains the Zexrip you've fallen ill to."

Except for why broke out now, and why it calmed its tits long enough for you to successfully flee the inn without noticing that Raven was losing her fucking mind.

Blood Raven immediately shot out an arrow at Louis, but his heightened speed and agility countered immediately

No, the element of surprise can not explain why Mr. Super Reflexes failed to parry an attack from a woman running at him. Some wench is significantly slower than an arrow.

"I'm afraid it's a two-edged sword, Linkara! I know how you defeated my dragon, but if you can manipulate the area around here, I can do so, too!" she shouted.

• That's "double-edged sword", thank you very much.
• Both of you are fucking terrible at harnessing the limitless power of your imagination. This battle of the minds might actually approach interesting if you actually used your imagination:

(Technically "just" a dream fight, but fuck me, I'll use any excuse to post Satoshi Kon clips.)

Louis grimaced momentarily, then smirked. "Fine by me. I've got about a thousand years worth of technological and literary knowledge on you. I've watched over 100,000 hours of television, seen well over a hundred movies, and am a master of anime and comic books. And now, it's time for me to go Bruce Campbell on your ass!"

"Don't fuck with me! I've got the power of God and anime on my side!"

He puts on an Ash Williams cosplay. I personally would've gone for a Star Trek phaser 'cause they can actually disintegrate shit, just in case this Evil Raven manifestation is bullet-proof.
Or stick with the YGO shit and summon Exodia. Auto-wins are the best wins.

"Score one for the-"

But before Louis could finish saying his victory speech, something new came out of Blood Raven's corpse. They were black tendrils, and they were coming out of the hole that the shotgun had made.

Evil Raven turns into a tentacle monster. This is why you should've disintegrated her.

White Raven seemed to be determined and strong, and not in the least bit frightened of the monstrosity that was before them. Lithmenar took two daggers from his waist belt and smiled as White Raven readied an arrow from her back holster.

Note that neither of those lesser characters use crazy mind-fu.

Lithmenar was ensnared within seconds and sucked into the tentacle creature.

Lithmenar turns out to be absolutely useless for this trip.

With his friends(?) gobbled up by a mental tentacle monster, Linkara unleashes his most powerful move:

Louis had become GIR from the television show Invader Zim.

And with GIR now absorbed, the Blood Raven creature began to laugh and gloat.

"YES! And now that the Linkara is mine, I can- teehee... Waffles! I mean, I shall return to the Darkness and reclaim my- SQUIRRELS! Squirrels everywhere! Oh no... WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!?! I NEED TACOS!"

Then, Blood Raven exploded.

Is this better or worse if you've actually watched the show?

*

"What happened?" Lithmenar asked.

"I realized that if Blood Raven were to assimilate something totally stupid, she'd become stupid in return. She'd never be able to keep her sanity in check as long as she was singing the Doom Song and screaming about tacos, so I figured she'd self-destruct." Louis explained.

Linkara wins by making Evil Raven too retarded to live.

"A brilliant strategy, my lord. But haven't you noticed something?" White Raven asked.

"What?" Louis inquired.

"Well, we are currently surrounded by Dark Knights, and Indow appears to be within in their possession." White Raven stated.

The lead Dark Knight, wearing a helmet with horns coming from it, held a struggling Indow inside of his massive arms

So everyone's gonna get captured because they have Indow as a hostage. Good thing she no longer had to maintain the spell I guess.

"Surrender or die, Linkara." He said, his voice deep and booming.

Shouldn't this be "Surrender or this priestess dies"?

Louis felt a cold feeling running across his chest and stomach, and looked down at himself. His flannel shirt and T-shirt were being covered by a golden armor.

Linkara gets another random power-up. I refuse to believe he got rewarded for "creativity".

"I just managed to defeat a mental condition using a character from a cartoon and you think you guys intimidate me? HA! You want me, eh?" Louis asked.

They will snap Indow's neck if you so much as wince.

Louis crossed his blades over one another and scraped them together once, creating a few sparks and once again went into a defensive position.

"Come get some."

THEY'VE TAKEN INDOW HOSTAGE. Her neck will get snapped faster than you can say "Groovy". How can Mr. Genre Savvy not understand this situation he's in?!

Next Time: Enter the War Arc.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Book 1, Chapter 14 - Army of Light I
(Or: Happy Chreydo's Day)

Brand new year, same old bullshit. Let's go!

RecapShow

First a short summary of the previous chapter before I start whining about the main issues:

• Linkara berates Lithmenar for pointing out that Indow is a slut.
• Linkara wins an argument with Indow by pointing out that she is a slut.
• Linkara recommends Indow to tell her dad everything about her slutty ways - which I'm pretty sure is less for her sake, and more for Linkara's desire to both rescue Indow and have grandstanding "Face of an ANGRY GOD" moments where he can once again tell people that their religion/opinion sucks
• Lithmenar actually does something useful for once in this goddamn book - by incapacitating a rabid Raven with a punch to the face and a date rape drug
• Linkara (and Lithmenar, but he's completely useless once again) has a grand mind adventure where he cures what this book still tries to convince you is "just" Hypercharged Super PTSD - by channeling the power of Yu-Gi-Oh!, Evil Dead and Invader Zim
• Linkara and gang find themselves surrounded by Dark Knights and prepare for a skirmish - which can only happen because both our heroes and the Dark Knights don't realize that a captured person (Indow in this case) doubles as a hostage.
• Almost as an afterthrought, Linkara gets another random power-up. I think all that's missing is a stupid-looking helmet for the full Linkara Cloth

This glorified filler episode was dreadful.

First the order of events is all disjointed. The chapter before ended with Raven losing her mind and banging her head against every surface in a desperate attempt to make the voices in her head shut up. But because Linkara's little orgy of violence forced our heroes to GTFO the inn, Raven miraculously calmed down off-screen (and somehow didn't warn everyone about her condition) and only started going crazy again once they've put enough distance between themselves and the inn.

Speaking about Raven, for a chapter that was allegedly about our heroes (aka Linkara) helping her overcome the demons of her past for good, she was really more of an ancillary character at best. She doesn't really show up in the narrative until it was time for her to go crazy again, which doesn't help with the disjointed feel. It was like she was still in batshit insane mode, but effectively "frozen" because the narration focused on the other heroes leaving the inn. Fucking weird.
She was really more of an excuse for Linkara to have a cool mind adventure. She didn't contribute to the downfall of her evil self, and didn't even have time to thank Linkara because we stumbled right into a cliffhanger.

Our dear author's "The protagonist is always right" shtick was also in full force here. Linkara is a sanctimonious asshole who loves to emotionally manipulated those who have been indoctrinated by their faith to worship him. He also didn't ask Indow any questions relating to magical mind delving because of course his TV addiction already gave him all the knowledge he could ever need - which of course turns out to be true because self-inserts are the worst Gary Stus.

Despite (probably) not being overly important to the overall narrative of this book, this chapter probably is one of the biggest signs of things to come. One might very well call this the birth of Linkara from At4W. Our author was itching for a scene where his self-insert fights some monster using his vast knowledge of televised entertainment, and you can really tell that the Angel Armor trappings surrounding that scene were a lot sloppier than usual.
Picturing yourself fighting evil with trap cards, Ash cosplays and whatever the fuck that Invader Zim thing was is one thing, but it's now about 20 years later, and he still thinks it's cool af to defeat transdimensional entities using the Green Ranger's dagger/flute thing, a Pokeball containing and overused Silent Hill baddie, and a stupid catchphrase from a terrible DC comic where Old Man Kal-El fights twin clones of Hitler. He even technically defeats the bad guy by "outsmarting" it, just like modern Linkara likes to do when faced with an ANGRY GOD.
And don't think for a second that this will be the last time our author went full Ernest Cline. It's only gonna get worse by the 3rd book at the latest.

Also for the love of God, the leader of the Dark Knights basically has Indow in a headlock. Why the FUCK doesn't he just go "Drop your weapons, or the girl dies"?! Linkara is all about "I've watched TV", he should recognize a stereotypical capture-by-hostage scene. Or does our dear author not want his self-insert to appear weak because of a woman? Or did he insist on a fight, realize he has no fucking idea what to do about Indow, and just had her get effectively stashed in the Dark Knight leader's inventory?

ChapterShow

The battle was over quickly.

Yes, Louis was a determined fighter. Yes, Lithmenar was a skilled thief, with agility and speed not common to his age. Yes, White Raven had over a hundred years of experience with the Dark Knights, learning how they fight and building her own skills as an archer. Yes, Indow was an Assistant Priestess trained at the first Church of the Linkara in white magic, basic defensive skills, and had been an Acolyte of the church for years.

Unfortunately, that was not enough for the four.

Louis was still partially exhausted from fighting inside of White Raven's mind, and the Dark Knights outnumbered him. Lithmenar was also exhausted from the mental journey, and unfortunately, throwing knives don't pierce armor as well as one would hope. White Raven required very little sleep, a result of being a Dark Knight, so she didn't feel in the least bit exhausted. However, her archery skills could only do so much from a far, something that did not apply in an area where she was surrounded at close distance against large men with swords. And Indow? Well, she was still being held in the massive arms of the lead Dark Knight.

To make matters worse for the ragtag group of heroes, the Dark Sorcerers created Chaos Shields around the Dark Knights to protect them. Lithmenar went down first, a group of Dark Knights going in and punching and kicking him. Louis fell next, unable to protect himself against five Dark Knights, each of their blades pressed against a section of his armor. White Raven managed to hold out the longest, stealing one of the Dark Knights' swords and slashing away at one Dark Sorcerer before the other responded by casting a Pale Bindings spell on her, restraining her immediately.

And so, although the four put up a valiant fight, they were down in the first minute of battle. Louis winced, struggling against the Dark Knights' arms in a vain attempt to break free. The lead Dark Knight continued to hold Indow in his grasp as his soldiers dragged White Raven and Lithmenar over to Louis.

"Sir, should we not bring the Linkara to the Darkness as we were ordered?" one of the Dark Knights inquired.

The lead Dark Knight replied, "It is too risky. It is a long journey back to the Delta, and he could break free. We shall say that he was killed in battle. Now, slay the vile filth! I'll take care of this small one right here."

A line of Dark Archers took positions in front of the three, who all winced as they stared at the arrows now facing them. However, before they could fire, an arrow flew through the air from behind the Dark Knights and hit the head of the lead Dark Knight, knocking his head off in one hit. The line of Dark Archers turned around to face their new opponent after having seen their leader's corpse fall to the ground in a heap of armor and black blood. Louis stood up after the other Dark Knights holding him, Lithmenar, and White Raven let them go and charged at the opposing Archer who had fired the arrow. Indow ran from the headless Dark Knight and embraced Louis happily, who hugged her in return.

The four looked past the platoon of Dark Knights to see an emerging group of warriors from the forest. All of them wore similar armor to White Raven's, appearing in white, shining glory. The people were male, and they were a line of Archers, about fifteen in total. The Dark Archers took position and began launching their own arrows in return. However, the Archers merely raised up a line of shields, all wooden, that immediately blocked the approach of the incoming arrows. The shields then went down as the Archers in white took aim once more and launched another barrage of arrows. However, each of the arrows only struck a Chaos Shield that the Dark Sorcerers suddenly erected.

It looked as if the Dark Knights now had their own defense against the Archers. However, the Chaos Shield quickly fell after a secondary shield suddenly came up around the Chaos Shield. This new one was glowing a bright white, and it started clamping down on the Chaos Shield. It dissipated after the Chaos Shield faded away, once again leaving the Dark Knights vulnerable. Another volley of arrows was launched out, this time coming with a plethora of fireballs. After a few more Dark Knights fell to the ground, dead, a new group of Knights emerged from the hedges. Each of these Knights wore armor that reflected the light of the sun off of them with brightness and glory.

The Knights charged into battle like a force of avenging Angels coming to slay a Demon. With axes, swords, and pikes, the Knights immediately began to fight the Dark Knights. Louis and White Raven, realizing that the tide of battle had turned in their favor, immediately readied their weapons and entered into the conflict. Louis went for the nearest Dark Knight with his blades, immediately cutting off both of his arms quickly. The Knight who the Dark Knight had been engaging shoved his sword through the Dark Knight's chest, killing him.

And so, within two minutes of the Archers' arrival and opening shot, the Dark Knights, Dark Sorcerers, and Dark Archers were slain. Indow and Lithmenar approached Louis, going to his sides as the Knights that had arrived all stood before Louis. One of the Knights, a taller, stronger-looking man with a helmet that covered his whole face, came past all of the other Knights. His shoulder armor was in a different hue, looking more crimson than white. He stood in front of Louis, who just stared up at him. The man stared back down, never blinking, never moving.

Louis smiled and waved to both the man and the other Knights.

"How y'all doin'?" he asked.

The tall Knight stared back down upon Louis, then spoke:

"Are you the one who has come from a world not of our own, and wears clothes most odd, and speaks words unlike any upon Sin?"

Louis blinked. "No, I'm sorry, you want Ozzy Osbourne."

The Knight recoiled in surprise, not entirely sure what he was talking about. Louis chuckled and held out his hand.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm the Linkara." Louis laughe

Instead of taking Louis' hand, the Knight dropped to his knees. Soon after, all of the other Knights followed suit, dropping to their knees and soon onto their very arms in worship. Louis just blinked as his hand continued to hover in the air. Finally, he dropped it and soon the leading Knight took his helmet off and let it fall to the ground. He had a pristine orange beard and eyes that seemed to pierce a strong man's soul. His hair was long and orange, and it fell to his shoulders instantly after the helmet came off.

"My name is General J'Vok of the Third Ai Division. Both myself and my men pledge our lives to freeing Sin from the Darkness." the Knight stated. Louis smiled and took the man's arm, pulling him up to his feet. He clasped the man's armored hand tightly and took it into his hands. He grinned.

"With men like you on our side, how can we fail?"

*

"All of us who serve in the Third Division are loyal followers of the Linkara. It's one of the primary reasons why we were all put into the same place. The Third Division is made of about two hundred total soldiers. About a hundred and fifty are standard Knights, twenty-five are Sorcerers and Magi, and the final twenty-five are Archers. They are all heavily trained in combat techniques, strategy, and go through extensive duty training so they won't desert. We also have another hundred and fifty slaves and servants-"

Louis interrupted J'Vok, saying, "Slaves and servants? You actually have those in this society?"

J'Vok blinked, turning his head towards Louis. "It is proper punishment for spoils of war and for criminals with extensive records. Do you disapprove, my lord?"

"On my world, slavery was abolished over a century ago. Except for us it was a matter of skin color and not criminals." Louis stated.

"Skin color? How barbaric. Tales of your world have spread far and wide across the countryside. Tales of carriages that move on their own, of men flying around like birds, and weapons like crossbows but with explosive powers. How is it that we have not heard of something like this?" J'Vok asked.

"That's because I've only been telling people about the good things. I neglected to mention the war, poverty, disease, corruption, and overall shittiness of my planet. Still, your planet has plenty of flaws."

"Like what, my lord?"

"Well, for example, you have a slave class. Women in your society don't play a role in- hang on, is that the camp up ahead?"

"Indeed, my lord."

The group of horses was coming up on the encampment itself. The Third Division's encampment was located in between a large grouping of hills that swept across the border between the land of Ai and the land of Ünaré. A river that flowed throughout the entire continent had drawn the border itself. As for the encampment, it was built inside of a valley between the two sets of hills. There were more than a hundred tents within it, some serving as armories, others as barracks, and some as just tents to keep out of the sun.

The group of horses filed into the encampment, heading for the center tent of the area. Any of the Knights in the encampment that saw them immediately paused in whatever they were doing and stared at Louis as he trotted through. When they arrived at the main tent, the horses stopped, and the group all got off of them. Louis and J'Vok proceeded forward while the rest of the group remained to look around. Indow, White Raven, and Lithmenar soon followed after Louis. Inside of the tent there was a very large table that had a large map rolled out across it, showing the general area for miles around, and several troop placements. General J'Vok walked to the front of the table, opposite Louis at the back of it.

"And so, my lord, I welcome you to the headquarters of the Third Ai Division." he greeted.

"I thought that the King had brought all the forces from the front lines back to safer forts and cities to ensure the Dark Knights couldn't try hit and run attacks designed to keep us off-balance." Louis said.

"The majority of forces, yes. However, the King felt that to avoid any unnecessary invasions that could occur from the Dark Knights. There are several divisions still on the front lines. We are but one of several divisions much like this one." J'Vok explained.

"Excellent! Now, as glad as I am to be here, General, I feel that I must now move on. We have to get to the Darkness and finally defeat it once and for all." Louis stated.

J'Vok shook his head. "And as much as I would like to grant your request, my lord, I'm afraid I cannot. There's an entire army out there, barely being kept out by our forces. To try to get you through now would more than likely lead to your death."

"You have done well, General. But I have to ask, were those Dark Knights that we encountered earlier left over from their previous invasion attempt?" Indow inquired.

"Unfortunately, milady, these Knights have managed to get through recently." J'Vok sighed.

"How is that possible?" Louis asked.

"I have asked myself that on many an occasion. More and more, we are discovering Dark Knights closer to our own encampment here. Our patrols find Dark Knights where there were none before, they find Dark Knight legions of varying class and size. I worry about how such varying numbers could occur if they were merely left over by the invasion." J'Vok explained.

"Do you suspect another traitor has allowed the Dark Knights entry?" Lithmenar asked.

"A month ago, I would never have thought it. But after Danlor's treachery, I would not be so inclined to ignore it. However, I can vouch for the loyalty of all of my men! They have served without question, and fought valiantly on many occasions. I could not see even one of the recent additions to the Division betraying us in such a manner!" J'Vok said.

"Have you given any of your troops a life-giver test?" White Raven asked.

"It is a requirement before joining the Linkaran order. Even Danlor had to take the test before he joined the Linkara." J'Vok responded.

"Then obviously anyone who has joined the Darkness has only recently joined them. We should have all the troops undergo a life-giver test to see if any among them serve the Darkness." Louis suggested.

"I should disagree, my lord. My troops would take great offense to suggest that one of them was actually a servant of Darkness."

"Desperate times breed desperate measures, General. We're in a war here, and playing nice with the troops is only going to make things worse, not better. Their offense can be damned as far as I'm concerned. I'll talk to them myself if I have to."

Louis turned to the others. "In the meantime, my friends, let's get some rest. We could use some."

*

The announcement of the tests came that night. General J'Vok gathered as many troops as he could in the main courtyard and told them that they would institute mandatory life-giver tests in an attempt to find any who might be secretly working for the Darkness. Instantly, the troops gave out an outcry of anger and disdain. The very thought that their leader did not trust them was appalling. Some wanted to go up onto the main stage where the General stood and rip his eyes out for such an accusation. However, not one of them could bring themselves to even speak when Louis went up onto the stage.

Louis told them how the life-giver tests were his idea, and that it was the only true way they knew how to identify enemies of the light. He asked them to go along with the tests, or else everything they had fought for would be in vain. The troops went 180 degrees on their anger, cheering for Louis as he smiled and nodded to them all. J'Vok himself smiled, feeling immensely honored to be standing beside the very testament to his faith. Everyone in the camp had gone to sleep feeling pleased and honored.

The first group of soldiers had been the patrol group for the night. Before they could go to sleep for the morning, they went to the testing area and underwent the life- giver test. Every one of them passed with flying colors, and each had the opportunity to shake the hand of Louis. Louis, although proud of all these soldiers for everything they had done and endured, was rather worried. He thought of how, in the Bible, Jesus had traveled from city to city, people wanting to touch him to make their lives all the more better. Louis had no doubt that he fulfilled the Prophecies of the Linkara, but he didn't want these people to think he was on some sort of God-like level.

Still, Louis realized that the only way to keep these people believing that they had a righteous cause to fight for, he had to be the person they wanted him to be. However, that may not have been enough when the second group came in. Like the first one, they had been eager to meet Louis and undergo the tests. Suddenly, when Lithmenar had been walking across the testing area to meet with Louis, one of the knights spotted him and immediately ran over to him. Much to Lithmenar's surprise, the knight fell to his knees and kept his hands firmly gripping onto Lithmenar's trousers.

"Forgive me, your highness!" the man exclaimed. "I came to Ai to further study my Linkaran faith and abandoned my duties as a palace guard!"

Lithmenar gasped and his face went red, and tried to pull away from the man with a look of anger spread across his face.

"Get away from me, you madman!" he barked, finally pulling free of the knight.

Lithmenar tried to run away as he continued to blush, but he didn't get two steps farther before Louis' hand grabbed onto his shoulder and pulled him back over. Lithmenar struggled against Louis' grasp, desperately trying to get away from him. However, Louis finally just tripped Lithmenar so he fell down onto his stomach.

"Now, what the hell's going on here, Lithmenar?!" Louis demanded to know.

Lithmenar sighed and finally stopped struggling. He was about to open his mouth to explain what the knight had been talking about when another knight, this one on horseback approached the testing area. Louis went away from Lithmenar and over to the knight, who stopped his horse quickly, then got down off of it. He kneeled before Louis and presented a folded piece of paper to him. Louis took the paper and unfolded it. He looked it over and read the text it contained, then winced.

He pulled the knight up off of his knee and ordered, "Get the General and tell him I need to meet with him in the primary tent right away."

The knight nodded, then got back on his horse and galloped off in search of General J'Vok. Louis turned to Lithmenar and helped him up onto his feet.

"Get Indow and White Raven. We should all be here for this next meeting." Louis stated.

*

Once again, the entire army was gathered together in the main courtyard. It had been quite an exciting week for the Third Division. It had started about a week ago when they had first arrived as a reserve unit for the primary fighting force. They had quickly set up camp and patrol groups. The next day, they received orders that not only was the Linkara coming, but the primary force was withdrawing from battle to more secure locations. As such, the Third Division's job was now to be acting as the Primary fighting force, battling against the Dark Knights in any place that they might be. On the following day, ten new recruits entered into the camp, freshly sent from the military training center at Aukalm. The entire night was filled with celebration concerning their new troops.

On the next day, a patrol group encountered two Dark Knights and chased them into the forest. However, it turned out to be a trap set by the Dark Knights. The entire patrol, made up of ten Knights, four archers, and a Sorcerer, were slaughtered by two Assault Squads of Dark Knights. Hearing the news of the slaughter, the Linkaran soldiers' hearts were filled with anger. They sent patrol after patrol to try to find the Squads, but none located them. However, one lone Sorcerer by the name of Chreydo, who was also brother to the Sorcerer who had been killed, used his masterful skills of magic to find the Dark Knights. Alone, and filled with a rage unlike any before him, he ventured out and fought two Assault Squads of Dark Knights, which included several Dark Sorcerers, he killed every one of them. However, the battle had taken its toll on him.

By the time the patrols found him an hour later, they were barely able to save him. Ever since then, he had been inside of the medical area of the camp undergoing constant life support through a mixture of known medicines, powders, and magic. General J'Vok had even appointed him a full Magi for his valiant efforts. And the news of his victory was now only daunted by the arrival of the Linkara.

The General had been out on a patrol after they had gotten reports of a large group of Dark Knights having gotten through the fifteenth division on another section of the border. They had supposedly been seen in the area, but they were mostly vague and didn't contain any hard facts. However, General J'Vok, always believing that nothing was impossible, decided to see if he couldn't locate the Assault Squad. However, instead of finding the Dark Knights, the patrol had located Louis and the others! They saw Indow standing over Louis, White Raven, and Lithmenar, her eyes closed and their bodies glowing with an odd aura. Realizing that they were undergoing some type of Mind Recovery spell, the General decided not to approach them just yet. However, the General decided to intervene when the Dark Knights they had been searching for showed up and interrupted the spell. They had successfully defeated the large group with their own troops, and now they had him at their encampment.

And now, here they were once more, readying themselves for whatever announcement that was to come. They stood in straight lines thanks to their military training, only allowed to break their silence after General J'Vok finished speaking. The General finally came before them a few minutes later, wincing as he stood upon the main stage in front of the courtyard. He looked out at all his troops and made his announcement.

"Advanced scouts have just given a message to both myself and the Linkara. The scouts say that the fighting has stopped on all fronts. The Dark Knights have combined their forces into one massive force, readying for a final offensive to penetrate the defensive line and get into Ai. Since this encampment is the smallest Division within the Ai military and the least defended, they are headed here. In two days, the Darkness' Army shall reach this location. The other Divisions shall not arrive here for at least another three. You may speak."

Instantly, the 200 soldiers gathered within the camp exploded into argument, most people shouting at the General, who merely stood on the stage and took the verbal abuse. They shouted at him, some wondering how he could be so deranged to think that the mere numbers they had could ever stand up against an entire army. However, the majority of calls out to J'Vok were out of fear and distress.

"We cannot face such a force, sir!"

"We must retreat! Fort Iopalc is where we should make our stand!"

"The defenses have broken; we must withdraw!"

All of a sudden, the light that had been in the sky instantly disappeared. It was replaced by not only immense darkness, but also a thunderous boom that filled the air. The deafening sound came from directly behind the courtyard upon a large hill. Upon hearing the sound, the soldiers turned around to see what was causing the noise. Standing upon the hill were two people: Louis and Indow. Louis stood proudly with his hands behind his back, and Indow stood beside him, holding out her hand. The only light for a whole mile in every direction came from Indow's hand. A single lightning bolt was coming down from the sky and hitting Indow's hand without any kind of damage.

Louis nodded to Indow, and she closed her hand up into a fist, dissipating the Lightning Spell she had cast. The sunlight returned, as did the light from torches and fires. Louis looked down at the mass of Knights, Archers, and Sorcerers, and narrowed his eyes.

"That's right. Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to MAMA! Me? I'm staying here and fighting." he stated.

One of the Knights closest to him stepped up to speak.

"But, my lord, they could have an army of a thousand, perhaps two thousand! How can we beat such odds?!" he shouted.

"Through strategy, my friends! We're not going to beat the Dark Knights through brute strength. We only need to hold off for one day! Then the reinforcements will arrive and we can beat them! Who's with me?" Louis asked.

The 200 troops exchanged glances, not one of them swayed by Louis' words. Louis sighed and looked around, trying to think of something to tell these people. Louis, much to the surprise of the people below, leapt off of the side of the steep hill. In an incredible defiance of physics and gravity, Louis' body remained face forward towards the ground and his legs moved over towards the side of the hill. He began running down the side of the hill, and when he reached about ten feet above the ground, he pushed off from the hill, twirled five times in mid-air and landed in a crouching position upon the ground.

Now that he had the full attention of the troops, Louis stood up and began to travel through the crowd, speaking to them as he walked.

"He that outlives this day..." he began, trying to think of exactly what to say.

He began again: "He that outlives this day, and comes back to this place safely, shall stand triumphantly when the day is named. They shall call this day the Day of Chreydo! Chreydo rests in your hospital, a testament to the belief that a smaller force can defeat a larger one. He shall be the symbol of this day. The day shall be named Magi Chreydo's Day!"

Louis stopped in the middle of the gathering, looking in a circle as he continued speaking: "And he that shall outlive the day, the day of Magi Chreydo, shall strip his sleeve and show his scars, proclaiming proudly, 'These scars I received upon Chreydo's Day.'"

Louis started walking again towards the front of the crowd. "The story of this day shall be told for centuries, even millennia to come! They shall cry out, 'Remember Magi Chreydo's Day! Remember those that fought and never gave up against overwhelming numbers!' All of our names shall become common, but on Magi Chreydo's Day, our names shall forever be spoken with solemn dignity and reverence."

Louis stopped and extended one of his blades out of his gauntlets. "For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother, be he never so vile. And although many remembrances of this day shall pass, from this day to the end of the world, but we in it shall be remembered: we few. We happy few. We band of brothers."

And finally, Louis got up onto the main stage and stood beside a smiling General J'Vok. "And noblemen in Ai shall think themselves accursed that they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap while any speaks that fought with us upon Magi Chreydo's Day."

Louis paused for a moment, looking around the stunned crowd, then smirked. "That sound all right to you guys?"

And there was much rejoicing.

"See, the advantage of being on your world is that I can't get sued for copyright infringement." Louis whispered to J'Vok.

*

Over the next two days, a general feeling of purpose and conscience permeated through the encampment. Louis' group went about helping the Third Division in preparations for the time when the Darkness would arrive. They only had two days before the Dark Knights arrived, so they had to plan things out perfectly and precisely.

Louis went to work right away after his speech. Like he had said, defeating an army that was more than likely five to one odds wouldn't be defeated by sheer brutality. He worked with J'Vok to plan where to place people during each projected stage of the attack. He also worked with the forces themselves, training them in using a quarterstaff and poleax. And throughout it all, Louis was not in the least bit worried about either himself or his troops. He had seen it all done before in television and movies. And although they had been creations of fiction, his mind knew how to use that fiction to his advantage. He jokingly told J'Vok that he was acting out the role of Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness.

Needless to say, the General didn't understand a thing Louis was talking about.

Indow worked with the Sorcerers and Magi. Although she only held a rank of Priestess, the others listened to and respected her plans and ideas because of all the time she had spent with Louis. The mood of celebration increased exponentially, however, when Chreydo was finally fully healed of all his injuries and joined in the preparations on the second day. Louis took his hand and congratulated him for a job well done, and offered his condolences on the death of the Magi's brother. Indow instantly developed a repertoire when they started working together to plan positions and spells that they would use in the battle.

Lithmenar's work was done within tactics with the troops. He explained that thieves evade capture by being important studies and examinations of their opponents. Any article of clothing on the opponent can be an advantage to the thief if he knows how to use it. Lithmenar showed that the heavy armor that the Dark Knights wore gave them huge disadvantages when it came to evasion. Lithmenar then demonstrated how, even in their own heavy armor, they could evade practically every shot made against them by the Dark Knights.

White Raven taught the Archers aiming and accuracy. Much to the amazement of the Archers, White Raven managed to stand from the other hill and hit the target they had placed up dead center. She also shot three more arrows that split the original one. White Raven also pointed potential weak spots to go for when facing up against Dark Knights, including the neck and eye socket. She did, however, warn them that this kind of accuracy needed a lot of space and sight, so it was more than likely that Dark Archers and Dark Sorcerers would launch attacks at them when they saw what was going in.

*

And so, for two days and two nights, the Linkaran Soldiers had trained and prepared, waiting for the moment in which the Dark Knights would arrive and their battle would begin. The hundred and fifty Knights that served as the main attack/defense force of the Third Division stood just inside of the main entranceway, each of them holding some sort of weapon. Some of the Knights carried weapons that had been within their families for generations, which gave them their own unique purpose to this fight. In front of them all, with his golden armor gleaming against the morning sun, was Louis. General J'Vok stood at his side. The two faced out towards the Ai border, marked by the River Elana.

"I really woke up energized this morning." Louis stated, not facing the General.

"As did I, my lord." J'Vok replied.

"You know, after all of this, I should have a talk with you guys about constantly calling me 'my lord.' Reminds me of that goddamned ICQ instant messenger system. It just assigns you a number as your screen name. I am not some predominant 'lord,' J'Vok. The name's Louis, and the history books better record my name as Louis." Louis proclaimed.

"I shall make sure they do, my lord." J'Vok responded.

Louis rolled his eyes, but then narrowed them as he saw something approaching. It was a lone man on horseback, and Louis recognized him as the advance scout that he had sent out to see when the Dark Knights were approaching. The man stopped when he reached Louis, got off of his horse, and then kneeled before him.

"What news do you have, scout?" Louis asked.

The scout got up and looked down at Louis, gulping. "My lord..."

He took a deep breath and stood tall. "My lord, I took sight of the Dark Knights three minutes ago. They shall arrive within our line of sight within two minutes. My lord, I estimate that their army numbers in the range of three to four thousand."

Word of the army's size spread quickly throughout the Knights. Louis raised up his right arm to silence them. He was shaking now, even he had not anticipated such a large size. Still, he knew he had to face it. He turned and faced the Knights as he clenched his fists to stop his hands from shaking in fear.

"There's an old saying on my planet. 'Fortune favors the bold.'" Louis stated.

Louis turned around to see the beginning of the Dark Knight army come out over the horizon. He let his blades slide out of the gauntlets.

"Well," Louis shouted, "we're about to find out."

Next Time: Will our beloved Chreydo be avenged? Whatever the case, I'm sure Linkara will once again have to be bailed out by another Deus Ex Machina.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I segregated the riffing to a seperate post, because I was hitting a character limit.

RiffingShow

The battle was over quickly.

Let me guess: Linkara lost again.

Yes, Louis was a determined fighter.

Also a very dumb one with an annoying tough guy act that his increasingly worsening win/loss ratio doesn't justify in the slightest.

Yes, Lithmenar was a skilled thief, with agility and speed not common to his age.

Nice "Tell, don't show". All he does is yeet knives at knights in cardboard armor. I have absolutely no idea how good or bad his thief skills are because he never does any thief stuff.

Yes, Indow was an Assistant Priestess trained at the first Church of the Linkara in white magic, basic defensive skills, and had been an Acolyte of the church for years.

Not that it matters considering that she is a hostage atm. Also what kind of "white magic" are we talking here? Final Fantasy, or Slayers?

Unfortunately, that was not enough for the four.

It's almost like strutting into an active war zone with something too small to count as a warband was a stupid idea.

Louis was still partially exhausted from fighting inside of White Raven's mind, and the Dark Knights outnumbered him.

I assume the latter is the more important one. Dude has no idea how to handle being outnumbered at all.

Lithmenar was also exhausted from the mental journey, and unfortunately, throwing knives don't pierce armor as well as one would hope.

Getting molested by black mind tentacles really draws the life out of you. Oh and now the bad guys' armor is an obstacle?

White Raven required very little sleep, a result of being a Dark Knight, so she didn't feel in the least bit exhausted. However, her archery skills could only do so much from a far, something that did not apply in an area where she was surrounded at close distance against large men with swords.

Why doesn't she have a sword, anyways? Her evil mind counterpart had one.

And Indow? Well, she was still being held in the massive arms of the lead Dark Knight.

A fact which the lead Dark Knight never considered using to his advantage.
I better stop ranting about the hostage situation, lest I do another rewrite.

Lithmenar went down first, a group of Dark Knights going in and punching and kicking him.

Why do the bad guys keep insisting on taking everyone alive when only Linkara is to be delivered to the Darkness (for some reason)? They're showing more mercy than our heroes ever did.

"Sir, should we not bring the Linkara to the Darkness as we were ordered?" one of the Dark Knights inquired.

The lead Dark Knight replied, "It is too risky. It is a long journey back to the Delta, and he could break free. We shall say that he was killed in battle. Now, slay the vile filth! I'll take care of this small one right here."

Could you guys try to make up your mind who you want dead or alive before the fight?

A line of Dark Archers took positions in front of the three

Motherfucker. Not only did you have a hostage, but also a group of archers against like three guys with not a single shield among them? What in the everloving FUCK was the POINT of this stupid fight?!


Happy thoughts, VORP. Happy thoughts...

However, before they could fire, an arrow flew through the air from behind the Dark Knights and hit the head of the lead Dark Knight, knocking his head off in one hit.

Does our dear author have any idea what an arrow looks like?
And what a shocker. After getting their shit kicked in again, our brave heroes have been miraculously rescued by some new character just in the nick of time. Again.

Indow ran from the headless Dark Knight and embraced Louis happily, who hugged her in return.

Bitch this guy never wasted a single though on you when you got captured.

The four looked past the platoon of Dark Knights to see an emerging group of warriors from the forest. All of them wore similar armor to White Raven's, appearing in white, shining glory.

The warriors in this world are more color-coded than the dragons in D&D.

However, each of the arrows only struck a Chaos Shield that the Dark Sorcerers suddenly erected.

If only you had remembered to cast a Chaos Shield on your leader.

After a few more Dark Knights fell to the ground, dead, a new group of Knights emerged from the hedges. Each of these Knights wore armor that reflected the light of the sun off of them with brightness and glory.

Can you describe shining armor without blathering on about "glory"?

The Knights charged into battle like a force of avenging Angels coming to slay a Demon.

FOR THE EMPEROR!
(I am aware those are Xenos.)

He stood in front of Louis, who just stared up at him. The man stared back down, never blinking, never moving.

Louis smiled and waved to both the man and the other Knights.

"How y'all doin'?" he asked.

Why does Linkara always go into full autism mode when meeting a new character? And why does that new character never introduce himself first? They're all just standing like NPCs, waiting for Linkara to make the first move.

"Are you the one who has come from a world not of our own, and wears clothes most odd, and speaks words unlike any upon Sin?"

Louis blinked. "No, I'm sorry, you want Ozzy Osbourne."

• Just ask "Are you the Linkara". You know what (and who) that is.
• Who are you trying to impress with your references?

Instead of taking Louis' hand, the Knight dropped to his knees. Soon after, all of the other Knights followed suit, dropping to their knees and soon onto their very arms in worship. Louis just blinked as his hand continued to hover in the air.

You're only now realizing that handshaking isn't a thing here?

"My name is General J'Vok of the Third Ai Division."

LMAO. Are you a Vulcan or something?

"With men like you on our side, how can we fail?"

I'm sure you will find a way.

The Third Division is made of about two hundred total soldiers. About a hundred and fifty are standard Knights, twenty-five are Sorcerers and Magi, and the final twenty-five are Archers.

Does anyone else find it weird they have as many spellcasters as they have archers?

"We also have another hundred and fifty slaves and servants-"

Louis interrupted J'Vok, saying, "Slaves and servants? You actually have those in this society?"

What about the servants? And why are you shocked? You seem to assume this world is exactly like some unspecified medieval period on Earth, right down to assuming that women have fewer rights despite no evidence for it.

J'Vok blinked, turning his head towards Louis. "It is proper punishment for spoils of war and for criminals with extensive records. Do you disapprove, my lord?"

"On my world, slavery was abolished over a century ago. Except for us it was a matter of skin color and not criminals." Louis stated.

Except slavery still very much a thing in less enlightened countries. And that skin color had fuck all to do with it before the cotton farms.

Skin color? How barbaric. Tales of your world have spread far and wide across the countryside.

How? Who spread these tales? The barkeeper who plowed Indow?

"How is it that we have not heard of something like this?" J'Vok asked.

"That's because I've only been telling people about the good things. I neglected to mention the war, poverty, disease, corruption, and overall shittiness of my planet."

Except for the many, many times you went "Opinions like yours caused the death of millions back in my world".

"Still, your planet has plenty of flaws."

"Like what, my lord?"

"Well, for example, you have a slave class. Women in your society don't play a role in- hang on, is that the camp up ahead?"

Oh no, not everyone is equal in a world that has social classes.
Also name me one example in the entire book of women being second-class citizens.

A river that flowed throughout the entire continent had drawn the border itself.

No shit, Sherlock. Natural borders often became actual borders.

The group of horses filed into the encampment

It's actually that the group is riding into the encampment. The focus on the horses makes it sound like everyone has already dismounted and the horses are moving on their own accord.

Any of the Knights in the encampment that saw them immediately paused in whatever they were doing and stared at Louis as he trotted through.

Dumb question: Are there any soldiers in this world who aren't knights? The archers, I guess?

"I thought that the King had brought all the forces from the front lines back to safer forts and cities to ensure the Dark Knights couldn't try hit and run attacks designed to keep us off-balance." Louis said.

Thanks for reminding me of the brilliant plan of abandoning the border so the main army can hide in forts and shit. Also WTF does this shit about hit-and-run attacks even mean?

"Ha-HA! They can't harass our forces when our forces are hiding like scared little girls!"

"The majority of forces, yes. However, the King felt that to avoid any unnecessary invasions that could occur from the Dark Knights. There are several divisions still on the front lines. We are but one of several divisions much like this one." J'Vok explained.

Splitting your forces like that just makes things easier for the enemy, you know? "Divide and conquer" isn't just a fancy phrase.

"Excellent! Now, as glad as I am to be here, General, I feel that I must now move on. We have to get to the Darkness and finally defeat it once and for all." Louis stated.

JFC. You still insist on this literal suicide mission? Have you forgotten that every single Dark Knight encounter you had since your journey to Not-Morder started has resulted in a smashing defeat? You're only alive because of Deux Ex Machina and because the Dark Knights only ponder about killing people after they have captured everyone alive.

J'Vok shook his head. "And as much as I would like to grant your request, my lord, I'm afraid I cannot. There's an entire army out there, barely being kept out by our forces. To try to get you through now would more than likely lead to your death."

Lol, even he has to agree that this is dumb.

"Unfortunately, milady, these Knights have managed to get through recently." J'Vok sighed.

"How is that possible?" Louis asked.

Boy, I sure wonder if largely abandoning the border has made it easier for enemy forces to sneak into the kingdom...

"I have asked myself that on many an occasion. More and more, we are discovering Dark Knights closer to our own encampment here. Our patrols find Dark Knights where there were none before, they find Dark Knight legions of varying class and size. I worry about how such varying numbers could occur if they were merely left over by the invasion." J'Vok explained.

For we all know that military forces of a failed invasion only ever meet in groups of exactly 10.

"Have you given any of your troops a life-giver test?" White Raven asked.

"It is a requirement before joining the Linkaran order. Even Danlor had to take the test before he joined the Linkara." J'Vok responded.

"Then obviously anyone who has joined the Darkness has only recently joined them. We should have all the troops undergo a life-giver test to see if any among them serve the Darkness." Louis suggested.

"I should disagree, my lord. My troops would take great offense to suggest that one of them was actually a servant of Darkness."

Just tell them to take a bath, FFS.

"Desperate times breed desperate measures, General."

They call for desperate measures.

Instantly, the troops gave out an outcry of anger and disdain. The very thought that their leader did not trust them was appalling. Some wanted to go up onto the main stage where the General stood and rip his eyes out for such an accusation.

The discipline and morale of these merry men is something else.

Louis told them how the life-giver tests were his idea, and that it was the only true way they knew how to identify enemies of the light.

It's a bit weird that we're not getting an actual speech here, as we'll get one in just a bit.

The troops went 180 degrees on their anger, cheering for Louis as he smiled and nodded to them all.

These people are easily pleased.

Everyone in the camp had gone to sleep feeling pleased and honored.

So you made the announcement before bedtime, and the actual test (aka bath) will happen in the morning? Hoping that the traitors will make a run tonight better be part of your plan.

Louis, although proud of all these soldiers for everything they had done and endured, was rather worried. He thought of how, in the Bible, Jesus had traveled from city to city, people wanting to touch him to make their lives all the more better. Louis had no doubt that he fulfilled the Prophecies of the Linkara, but he didn't want these people to think he was on some sort of God-like level.

Too fucking late for that, mate. Their entire religion revolves around you, and they don't even have a God to worship in your place.

Suddenly, when Lithmenar had been walking across the testing area to meet with Louis, one of the knights spotted him and immediately ran over to him. Much to Lithmenar's surprise, the knight fell to his knees and kept his hands firmly gripping onto Lithmenar's trousers.

"Forgive me, your highness!" the man exclaimed. "I came to Ai to further study my Linkaran faith and abandoned my duties as a palace guard!"

So Lithmenar is the prince of some other country who decided to fuck off and become the world's worst thief? How come no one at the court of the king of AI recognized him?
Luckily a postman with military intel shows up to distract Linkara from putting Lithmenar in a struggle session.

*

Once again, the entire army was gathered together in the main courtyard.

I don't think a patch of dirt next to some tents counts as a "courtyard", but I digress.

On the following day, ten new recruits entered into the camp, freshly sent from the military training center at Aukalm. The entire night was filled with celebration concerning their new troops.

Ten more guys. That ought to tip the scales in your favor!

On the next day, a patrol group encountered two Dark Knights and chased them into the forest. However, it turned out to be a trap set by the Dark Knights. The entire patrol, made up of ten Knights, four archers, and a Sorcerer, were slaughtered by two Assault Squads of Dark Knights

All the shining glory of their armour might have a detrimental effect on their brainpower.

However, one lone Sorcerer by the name of Chreydo, who was also brother to the Sorcerer who had been killed, used his masterful skills of magic to find the Dark Knights. Alone, and filled with a rage unlike any before him, he ventured out and fought two Assault Squads of Dark Knights, which included several Dark Sorcerers, he killed every one of them. However, the battle had taken its toll on him.

Incredibly dumb to go out alone instead of informing your superiors of the enemy's location.
Also this guy is a bigger badass than Linkara. That loser has yet to take on even one Dark Sorcerer on his own. They should really make Chreydo their messiah.

By the time the patrols found him an hour later, they were barely able to save him. Ever since then, he had been inside of the medical area of the camp undergoing constant life support through a mixture of known medicines, powders, and magic.

As opposed to a mixture of unkown medicines, powders, and magic.

The General had been out on a patrol after they had gotten reports of a large group of Dark Knights having gotten through the fifteenth division on another section of the border. They had supposedly been seen in the area, but they were mostly vague and didn't contain any hard facts.

If only the king hadn't decided to abandon the border, you might have a better idea WTF is going on.

However, instead of finding the Dark Knights, the patrol had located Louis and the others! They saw Indow standing over Louis, White Raven, and Lithmenar, her eyes closed and their bodies glowing with an odd aura. Realizing that they were undergoing some type of Mind Recovery spell, the General decided not to approach them just yet.

But they decided to wait with their thumbs up their ass when the Dark Knight showed up, waiting for the most dramatically pleasing moment to finally do something.
Good thing the Dark Knights didn't have "Kill on sight" orders with regards to Linkara.

They stood in straight lines thanks to their military training

Truly, only military training could pull this off.

"In two days, the Darkness' Army shall reach this location. The other Divisions shall not arrive here for at least another three. You may speak."

"We're fucked, aren't we?"

Standing upon the hill were two people: Louis and Indow. Louis stood proudly with his hands behind his back, and Indow stood beside him, holding out her hand. The only light for a whole mile in every direction came from Indow's hand. A single lightning bolt was coming down from the sky and hitting Indow's hand without any kind of damage.

For someone who doesn't want to be seen as some kind of God, you sure like having unnecessarily dramatic entrances.

Louis nodded to Indow, and she closed her hand up into a fist, dissipating the Lightning Spell she had cast. The sunlight returned, as did the light from torches and fires.

Why do you have lit torches when the sun is still up?

"That's right. Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to MAMA! Me? I'm staying here and fighting." he stated.

"I'm sure some Deus Ex Machina will help us just in the nick of time, just like all the other times I severely overestimated my own combat prowess!"

"But, my lord, they could have an army of a thousand, perhaps two thousand! How can we beat such odds?!" he shouted.

"Through strategy, my friends! We're not going to beat the Dark Knights through brute strength. We only need to hold off for one day! Then the reinforcements will arrive and we can beat them! Who's with me?" Louis asked.

I feel like one of the fortresses the rest of the army is hiding in might be useful here, but it's probably going to be an open field battle.

He began running down the side of the hill, and when he reached about ten feet above the ground, he pushed off from the hill, twirled five times in mid-air and landed in a crouching position upon the ground.

I see Linkara has taken 5 levels in Exemplar to gain the Persuasive Performance class ability, which in turn lets him use his acrobats in place of Diplomacy (which he is severely lacking) to improve NPC attitudes.
Also cool it with the unnecessarily dramatic entrances. You just had one.

He began again: "He that outlives this day, and comes back to this place safely, shall stand triumphantly when the day is named. They shall call this day the Day of Chreydo! Chreydo rests in your hospital, a testament to the belief that a smaller force can defeat a larger one. He shall be the symbol of this day. The day shall be named Magi Chreydo's Day!"

Not bad. I'd rather fight for Chreydo than for you.

(Also this and the entire rest of the speech is some tortured bootleg version of St Crispin's Day Speech, in case you're curious.)

Louis started walking again towards the front of the crowd. "The story of this day shall be told for centuries, even millennia to come! They shall cry out, 'Remember Magi Chreydo's Day! Remember those that fought and never gave up against overwhelming numbers!' All of our names shall become common, but on Magi Chreydo's Day, our names shall forever be spoken with solemn dignity and reverence."

What makes you think this is gonna be "Greatest battle of our age" material? It might also be the day 200 people died because they followed an idiot as their messiah.

"See, the advantage of being on your world is that I can't get sued for copyright infringement." Louis whispered to J'Vok.

Shakespeare is public domain, nimrod.

*

Over the next two days, a general feeling of purpose and conscience permeated through the encampment. Louis' group went about helping the Third Division in preparations for the time when the Darkness would arrive. They only had two days before the Dark Knights arrived, so they had to plan things out perfectly and precisely.

That's quite a bit of repeated information in such a short paragraph, buddy.

And throughout it all, Louis was not in the least bit worried about either himself or his troops

So business as usual. Will he ever become aware of his lack of skill and his own mortality?

And although they had been creations of fiction, his mind knew how to use that fiction to his advantage. He jokingly told J'Vok that he was acting out the role of Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness.

Yeah, but you have neither a shotgun, chainsaw nor a car.

Needless to say, the General didn't understand a thing Louis was talking about.

The situation can't be that dire if he still has plenty of time to be insufferable.
Also you really didn't have time to ask Lithmenar about his (no doubt) tragic backstory?

Indow worked with the Sorcerers and Magi. Although she only held a rank of Priestess, the others listened to and respected her plans and ideas because of all the time she had spent with Louis

Hooray for cronyism.
And once again no sign of the sexism problem that this world supposedly has according to Linkara.

The mood of celebration increased exponentially, however, when Chreydo was finally fully healed of all his injuries and joined in the preparations on the second day.

Nice. Now they might actually stand a chance.

Lithmenar showed that the heavy armor that the Dark Knights wore gave them huge disadvantages when it came to evasion. Lithmenar then demonstrated how, even in their own heavy armor, they could evade practically every shot made against them by the Dark Knights.

It's bloody weird that you have entire armies comprised of almost nothing but knights, but then it's only the archers who use actual fucking shields.

White Raven taught the Archers aiming and accuracy.

The archers of Ai before Raven's training:

White Raven also pointed potential weak spots to go for when facing up against Dark Knights, including the neck and eye socket.

"Aim for gaps in the armor"

Riveting advice there. Also this is a fucking battle. They won't have time to snipe individual knights.

Some of the Knights carried weapons that had been within their families for generations, which gave them their own unique purpose to this fight.

Fuck fighting in formation, I suppose. That never helped anyone in such a lopsided battle.

"As did I, my lord." J'Vok replied.

"You know, after all of this, I should have a talk with you guys about constantly calling me 'my lord.' Reminds me of that goddamned ICQ instant messenger system. It just assigns you a number as your screen name. I am not some predominant 'lord,' J'Vok. The name's Louis, and the history books better record my name as Louis." Louis proclaimed.

A bit late to whine about this considering this is all Indow has been calling you this entire book.
Also it's a title, you moron. The only thing weird here is that "lord" seems to be the only person-related noun that our author is not capitalizing for some reason.
Also history will remember you as the Linkara, dipshit.

The scout got up and looked down at Louis, gulping. "My lord..."

He took a deep breath and stood tall. "My lord, I took sight of the Dark Knights three minutes ago. They shall arrive within our line of sight within two minutes. My lord, I estimate that their army numbers in the range of three to four thousand."

"Sir, I have sucessfully located the enemy army!"
"Wonderful! When will they arrive?"
"Oh, in about two minutes."

The quality of the scouting leaves a little bit to be desired. This is like straight out of a Mel Brooks movie, or a Monty Python skit.