"Class of 86" - Brad Jones' Masturbatorial Book Debut

[CuckTurdginson]

You can tell Brads not a reader - and you need to be a reader to be a great writer!
So it goes.

[ebin namefag]

You can tell Brads not a reader

No IN is.

Also - there is just something so viscerally gross about a man writing porn about himself with his wife as an 18 year old (that's for public reading) while she's laying next to you in bed pregnant...

It's not that big a step up in degeneracy from having a wife and family in the first place.

[Kugelfisch]

Gearing up to pe a complete piece of shit so far. However, an entertaining piece of shit.
I thinks it's well past his abilities to do that intentionally, as a nod towards the garbage movies he reviewed, and pull it off.

I'm expecting the story to be very bad.

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 2: Two Minute Warning
or as I like to cal it Enter the Nerd
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

I just checked and thankfully there are only 18 chapters.

Our Nerd, Fletcher Van Patten, is that 80s nerd everyone thinks of, hides in the bathroom because thar be jocks at the sink.

Fletcher was wearing his Friday clothes, which was a white short sleeved dress shirt with a red sweater vest over it, plus tan dress pants. This was not much different than his regular weekday clothes, except the color of sweater vest changed, day-to-day. He also sported thick, brown-framed glasses. He kept his head shaved because it hurt significantly less when the jocks grabbed him by the shirt collar as opposed to grabbing him by the hair.

Kind of disappointed we didn't get Anthony Michael Hall from Breakfast Club.

So... Nerd whips out his calculator as he is furious that the jocks, who haven't done anything, are holding him up from class. He does some calculations...

"According to this my friends," he whispered to himself. "You have 20.43 seconds to clear out of my space before I unload in your rectums. That's give or take 0.21 seconds."

As a reminder I “review” these books as I read them (because I don't want to have to read these shitty things twice) so I have no idea where Brad is going with this. But the jocks leave, and Nerd primps himself in the mirror. WTF, Brad? What was going to happen?

Nerd talks to himself in mirror:

"The big science fair is coming in two weeks. Chicks will be lining up at your door. Not the fake tarts, but the real chicks, with brains. Brainiacs on a ten scale. They know you're a stud, Fletcher Van Patten. You're a ladies’ man. Everyone is simply afraid of you. They're afraid of that big sexy brain. You intimidate all the jocks out there, and all the yuppies. They like keeping their girls dumb, because if they had any smarts, they'd be pawning over me."

End scene. The fuck?

with a group of preppies, some of whom were talking amongst themselves in front of their lockers, while two others were on their brick-shaped cell phones

Nope. Wrong. Not even the rich kids in 1986 used those. If any thing, everyone was just getting into beepers/pagers. I know I'm showing my age here, but beepers were the cool thing to have.

Nerd spots a hottie and bravely goes up to her.

Without thinking any harder about it, he instinctively made his way toward her, and once he got close behind her, he sniffed her hair up and down in a giant whiff. His eyes were closed as he did this, and his smile indicated he was enjoying the sensation to the point where he might even have needed to make an extra trip to the bathroom.

For fuck's sake, Brad.

Hottie hates the sniffer and Rod (dammit Brad) with a blonde mullet, wait, no it's brown...

The main one was named Rod. Rod was tall, blonde, and dressed in a white with a blue undershirt and white pants. He also sported a brown mullet, though his mullet was very well groomed and did not look like he lived in a trailer. This mullet was styled in a way that said he had a lot of money, but wanted hair that made him look more rugged, yet groomed at the same time.

So he was two-toned? Ok, I guess. So, Rod and his two pals throw Nerd against the lockers, then toss his ass across the hall floor.

"Go sniff the school mascot's ass, you fucking nerd." Rod's friends high fived him...

Damn, I hope this outsells Lindsey's book.

Meanwhile, Scooby and the Gangbang want to use Nerd's paper on the affects of radiation to copy and ace their chemistry exam so they can graduate skool. Does radiation affects really have anything to do with high school chemistry? Isn't that more Biology and Physics? Fuck it.

The plan: send in hottie Lillith, fresh off smelling like she fucked in a van, to seduce Nerd.

Lexi nodded in agreement. "I like it too. Fletcher is a virgin, so this should be easy.”

Those silly desperate nerds.

”We need Fletcher to pass this class, and desperate times call for a desperate Lilith to get into Fletcher's pants."
Lilith rolled her eyes, but couldn't disagree because she knew they were right.

Lol this writing, man. But there's more...

Lilith strutted her stuff down the hall. She was strutting in a way that would imply music was playing that she was moving in rhythm with, but, unfortunately, she just had to imagine some music playing in her head. Two of the other school nerds were walking in the opposite direction, and they couldn’t help but take notice of how sexily she was walking, and as they turned their heads to look at her, they bumped into a group of students hanging out by their own lockers.

She lays it on thick, and Nerd tells her he's not helping her cheat on the English exam. Good for you, Nerd!

"Your metalhead in his leather jacker will be jealous."
"Who, Kurt? Fuck, Kurt, you know what I mean," she said, still smiling.
"No thanks; he's not my type."
Lilith grew aggravated that Fletcher was not looking away from his locker, so she moved in closer to whisper into his ear. "You know what puts me in the mood?
Fletcher remained unfazed. "Oxygen?"
"Radiation," she said seductively.
Fletcher finally looked away from his locker and closed the door. "Huh?" he asked, giving her a weird look.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

"I want to know more about this so-called radiation." She continued to not break character. "I need to have an orgasm, for once in my life...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! This has to be the stupidest shit I have ever read in a novel.

Nerd exams her forehead with a magnifying glass he keeps on himself, and declares there's nothing there for him. Lillith be mad, the boyfriend assures her that Nerd must be gay. Luara announces she knows what to do.

Now completely paranoid, Vic's eyes grew wider as he looked at Diana. "Honey. Don't fuck Fletcher."

She approaches Nerd at the water fountain. One look at Laura and he does a literal spit take. He now gets a little twitchy because apparently he does like our little Laura here.

"Why are you blushing so much, Fletcher?" she asked. "I saw you shut down Lilith. That's quite an accomplishment for a straight man."
"Yeah, it's an accomplishment for a brainless robot, but not for a man of science like me," he looked Diana up and down. "But you're Diana. I haven't forgotten about you since you beat me in the spelling bee."

(read in Brad's voice) See, honey? Your character is not only hot, but smart enough to beat the smartest nerd in a spelling bee!

"Time flies," Fletcher snorted.
Diana chose to giggle and ignore the little snort. "Listen, are you busy tonight? I need some help studying for chemistry. We're currently in the section on radiation."
That instantly worried Fletcher.
"Oh God, it doesn't turn you on, does it?" he asked, remembering his conversation with Lilith.
"What?" Diana was very confused.
"Never mind," Fletcher laughed it off. "I mean, you're you, I trust you. You're not some radioactive slut."

I'm going to buy every future book Brad writes. This is premium shitertainment.

They all go to class but Vic is anxious. What did Laura promise to do to Nerd? Finally, Laura allieviates his worries.

Diana let out a sigh of frustration and closed her book. "Fletcher is not going to try anything, and if he does, he'll blow a load in his pants right then and there, and I wouldn't even see what his dick looks like. Before Vic could get a word out, Diana cut him off again, trying to calm his jealousy, and put her finger over his lips. "Who is the smartest bitch in the world?"

I... just read...

"Why the hell did he go for you? What do you got that I don't got?" asked Lilith, suddenly remembering that she had been rejected.
"He's a man who loves brains," Diana said, and shrugged her shoulders.
"No, he's a pervert." Lilith sounded sickened. "He wants to scoop out your brain with a spoon and fuck that instead."

Anyway, fuck that shit! What movie are they going to see? A debate erupts.

..."According to this there's something coming out in a few days called Brotherhood of Justice, it's the same plot as Dangerously Close, since I guess we're on a school vigilante kick..."

"And that was when he mentioned Brotherhood of Justice. I was a little lost on the context, but doing more digging, I think it could be a good escape for us if we need to get our minds off things. Or it could be a clue, like the movie will have something in it to help with our paper."

Uh... WHAT? Ok, whatever. LOL

Uh oh! Rod the Mullet shows up!

"I heard your bitch couldn't even get into Fletcher Van Patten's pants."
Kurt stood up from his chair so hard that the chair tipped to the ground like it was trying to escape this confrontation. "The hell did you say to me, cocksucker? Kurt got right in Rod's face.

You'll notice a missing “. Guess Luara didn't proof read good enough. I've noticed a few mistakes like that.

This is from their spatting back and forth, just note the lack of punctuation.

"And there's the words We got numbers and words," Bryce continued.

This dialog in this scene is dumb. Nothing really worth quoting except..

“...Maybe then I wouldn't be so preoccupied with teaching you a lesson that I may actually check out one of these books in the library. I hear they have a killer mystery section."

What?

"How about I piss my pants and you can study what chemical that is," Rod whispered back to Kurt.

Closer than radiation being about chemistry I suppose.

"Pretty sure it's water, urea, um," Bryce couldn't continue as Lexi shoved him once more.

The Mullet Gang leaves on that note.

End of chapter.

[RedLine]

You have 20.43 seconds to clear out of my space before I unload in your rectums.

What???

Also both chapters now make reference to being so horny you jerk off in a public restroom.

[Dehbashi]

I don't know. This shit is unintentionally funny. While Lindsey writing was just pretentious, Brad makes you go WTF and want to know how crazy it's going to get.

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 3: It's a Mistake
Yeah, no shit, but I'm actually enjoying this turd.
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

Laura is off to seduce the Nerd!
And she's nervous.
Wearing nursing scrubs and a cigarette dangling from her mouth, Nerd's mom is in disbelief that a girl, much less a hottie, is here to see her nerdy, nerd son.

Mom says...

"Right. You know, he tried buying a hooker who showed up saying the same thing. I turned her away immediately. You'd think I was just looking out for my son, but I wasn't. I was looking out for the hooker."

friday_damn.gif

Suddenly, Diana's name triggered a memory in Fletcher's mom's head. "Diana," she paused. "You're...are you the girl who beat Fletcher in the spelling bee?"

They discuss this damn spelling for a few pages. Nerd threw a temper tantrum for days back then, Nerd is probably in love with you, then Laura is finally directed to the Nerd down in the basement.

The basement was very dark, no windows, and had the kind of faint lighting you’d get when half of the bulbs in your lamps were burnt out. Posters were plastered all over the walls: a giant periodic table, and posters of Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison. These were normal to see for the kind of person Fletch was, but the ones that would throw off any potential visitors were his posters for Slaughter High, Prom Night, and Terror Train.

Brad, if she catches him masturbating or something, I swear by all that is holy... no, he's just lighting a candle at a small table. Shew! He takes a quick Polaroid “as proof.” He's nervous, she makes a little joke about that mother fucking spelling bee, when she notices a door. She asks about it, but Nerd doesn't want to reveal what's behind it.

"Nothing," he said bluntly. "There’s nothing in there. Just, for my eyes only. And not even that. I don't even know what's in there.”
"Sounds like you've got something to hide," she again played along, like things couldn't get any more awkward already.
"I've got nothing to hide. I'm six and a half inches, and I'm circumcised," he said curtly,.

Take note, that in all of the genitalia references, none of them have been titties or vagoos.

So, they talk about radiation. Nerd's been doing experiments.

"Listen to this. With fifty-four knocks of radiation, the single human cell spawns off to form another human cell. The human body is made up of millions of cells, right? Even a baby knows this. Try to imagine... blah, blah, blah...

Probably better researched than Lindsey's dreck. Nerd discovers a possible way to use radiation to do cloning. Ok, Brad, this might be interesting, in a lightning bolt/Frankenstein kind of way.

"Exactly. Everyone is so terrified by the threat of a nuclear war and radioactive fallout, that no one wants to even discuss the vast amount of benefits given to us by radiation poisoning. It's all scientific, but I'm sure that you know that."

Foreshadowing!

As Laura politely attempts to get the hell out of there, Nerd goes through the mystery door asking if she would like some music.

Before walking up, she turned to ask Fletcher one more thing that she was genuinely curious about. "Why do you enjoy life so much?
Fletcher paused to think about this for a moment. "I don't know. Maybe I enjoy life because no one really enjoys my life."

What?
In an interview for this book, Brad said he was best at writing dialog.

Nerd emerges from his door and comes to the sad realization that she left for good. But what's this? One of her hairs?

The hair, as viewed through the magnifying glass, gave Fletcher some sort of almost sexual pleasure.

Remember how Lindsey wouldn't let her space raptor bang the human, probably because she thought that kind of trash was beneath her as a serious author? Brad walks a different path.

While it might have been very worrisome to think what Fletcher was going to do with that one strand of hair, over at Diana's house, she and Vic had just finished having sex.

Subtlety and nuance be damned, I suppose.

She left one breast exposed as she put her arms around Vic's chest.

Finally. Female parts.

So, that secret room? Science shit all around with a table with fancy silverware in the middle, and a mannequin made to look like Laura. He tapes the Polaroid of Laura to its face, and the strand of hair he places in the blonde wig. He then licks the dummies forehead. Why is she so sweet, he wonders. He takes out a ventriloquist's dummy dressed like a waiter. It takes their order. Nerd kisses dummy-Laura.

End of chapter.

Huh. No one jerked off in a bathroom.

[Oengae]

You can tell Brads not a reader

No IN is.

Who knew that people whose entire creative output was summarizing other movie's plots and self-insert characters aren't that great at writing?

[CuckTurdginson]

I’ll say this - this strikes me as being fun to make fun of - even with Doge, who in their right mind would call To Boldly Flee anything close to watchable.
Lindsay’s book was comedy, too - but like Pibbs said, really pretentious.

[pibbs]

I’ll say this - this strikes me as being fun to make fun of - even with Doge, who in their right mind would call To Boldly Flee anything close to watchable.
Lindsay’s book was comedy, too - but like Pibbs said, really pretentious.

Her first book was fun. The space raptor, and the daddy issues which Lindsey raged about when she denied it. But the second one was just boring.